Love, Lust, and Laughter

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Linda de Villers

After nearly ten years on Progressive Radio Network, I suspect you know that I have a deep belief: your sexuality matters! My friend and colleague, Dr. Linda de Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) has he very same belief. We’ve both recently returned from conferences – Linda’s WORLD ASSOCIATION for SEXUAL HEALTH (WAS) held last month in Mexico City, and mine QUAD-S (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) meeting last week in Denver. We had conversations about two of the presenters: Dr. Ellen Laan (WAS) and Dr. Meredith Chivers (Quad-S). A few points from Dr. Laan’s talk included that sexual pleasure is a very gendered embodied affair, that women have four times as much testosterone than estrogen, that sex for reproduction occurs about 1% of the time (the other 99% for pleasure), that focus is way too much on penises(fingers work better), that lesbians do better with regard to orgasms (vaginal – again fingers, not dildos), and gender differences on the decline. Conclusion: we are all from Mars. Meredith Chivers is leading the Canadian effort to give women a better orgasm. She and other researchers are increasingly using eye-trackers, brain scanners to get a direct look at our brains --  our largest sex organ. Heterosexual women’s genitals become aroused from lesbian sex to copulating bonobo apes, and more. Female sexuality is more fluid. Vaginal flow and lubrication does not always mean a woman feels subjectively aroused. It may be adapted to react to sexual violence – lubricating to protect delicate tissues from injury. Men who say, “If you’re wet, you must want it,” are buying into a misogynist myth. Distraction is also studied: it may well be that distraction correlates with sexual dysfunctions such as distressingly low desire and arousal. Mindfulness may work as a bridge to sexual awareness. Sexuality is a window into one of the greatest human mysteries: communication between the mind and the body – and how we can better align the two. Tune in for so much more!

 

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Lori Buckley

Do you want to know some behind the scenes secrets of sex therapists? Listen to this show because Dr. Lori Buckley (www.DrLoriBuckley.com) and your host Dr. Diana Wiley (www.DrDianaWiley.com) – two seasoned sex therapists – shared in a lively, informative conversation! First we talked about our backgrounds and how we decided on the specialty of sex therapy. Then we discussed why we love our work so much. We’ve both seen thousands of people – helping them learn what it possible. It is deeply satisfying work and it was fun to share success stories. A good sex therapist will teach the clients to communicate with each other and find solutions as they go along. Often old anger and resentments will dissipate. Sometimes we have to do psychotherapy before we can do sex therapy. Homework/homeplay assignments are exercises that typically include talking, touching and setting up erotic scenarios. A therapist alternates between playing sex detective and sex coach. First, we ask a lot of questions to try to understand the problem, then give suggestions or ideas to try during lovemaking at home. We need to overcome barriers because some people are afraid of exposing themselves, whether physically or emotionally. We also often need to help our clients shake off shame. Some fear that their mates wouldn’t love or respect them if they knew their deepest sexual secrets – unusual turn-ons, colorful histories, long-ago rape or abuse. Partners learn that their secrets no longer control them. When therapy works, when clients begin to relax, to laugh, to have fun – it’s like watching a flower opening!

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Brad Coates

Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY – 5^th Edition” is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.” www.CoatesandFrey.com  Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Linda De Villers

Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) returned to the program and we spoke about her book  “Simple Sexy Food: 101 Tasty Aphrodisiac Recipes and Sensual Tips to Stir Your Libido and Feed Your Love.”  How are sensual foods, romance and love intertwined? Ever since Marc Antony first fed Cleopatra grapes that connection has been there. Dr. Linda’s book is part aphrodisiac cooking manual and part sensual self-help. The bond between food and sensual pleasure is the first thing we learn at birth…from nursing to death, food and sex go hand in hand. We spoke about the most widely known aphrodisiacs, some of the most intriguing/fun beliefs about aphrodisiacs in the past, and what is most important  in preparing  an aphrodisiac meal. We use the same senses at the table to measure a great meal as we do to appreciate a fine time in bed – the eyes, the ears, the nose, the mouth, and tactile sensations. We have foreplay and we have fork play! Of course, the only truly infallible aphrodisiac is love; but, with erotic cooking, you could just fuel a little lust! Dr. De Villers will return November 12^th to discuss her other book “Love Skills.”

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest David Steinberg

David Steinberg (www.DavidSteinberg.us) erotic author and photographer is a thoughtful observer, an explorer with empathy and a writer with (sex-positive) honesty. I know this to be true because I’ve known David for thirty-plus years. Last time we discussed his book “This Thing We Call Sex.” For this program we spoke of the not yet published “The Shepard and the Nymph – The Erotic Letters of Marco Vassi and Eve Diana.” Who was Marco Vassi and why is he important? What are his most important books? Who is Eve Diana and what was the nature of their relationship? David talked about the story behind this book and how it came about…The back story is fascinating! Vassi was a part of the NY sex scene in the 70s and 80s; in fact, he revealed he had sex with 1000 men and 500 women. He died of AIDS in 1989. His legacy were many books exploring sexual adventures and openness. His relationship with Eve Diana is noteworthy because David’s book is a private view into their sexual connection. Please tune in – there is more. David’s work as an erotic photographer is also fascinating!

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Joan Price

The “senior sexpert,” a “wrinkly sex kitten” and a true advocate for ageless sexuality returned to the show. Joan Price – www.joanprice.com – has written many books including her most recent “Sex After Grief – Navigating your Sexuality after Losing your Beloved.”  Being sexual is a reminder that one is still alive! Others need the affirmation that they are still attractive. Even so, when one has lost a partner, often someone of many years, the journey can be complicated. Joan and Dr. Diana have both had husbands who died and know the struggles first-hand. In this book Joan describes myths about sex and grieving, solo sex (and on-the-air she offered  sex toy reviews!), massage or more (her own erotic massage), dating again, journaling, and considerations about what is next. For those with survivor guilt, Joan teaches that they are not replacing love, they are adding to love. Hopefully, there is enough love to go around! Listen for more details to his lively, informative discussion.

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Sheri Winston

Frequent guest, Sheri Winston, is fun, funny, and possesses incredible knowledge! She is the author of Succulent Sex Craft – www.IntimateArtsCenter.com – and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal. Today’s program focused on her latter book, specifically Chapter 4 “The Red-Hot Dance of Yin and Yang.” Sexual energy – the Yin and the Yang – have  similarities and differences. Sheri helped us to understand the differences so that we can deeply connect. Often at our core is the Yin or the Yang energy – with many having both energies, the receptive (Yin) and the Yang (initiating and directing). “Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magical spell; it demands complete abandon.”-- Simone de Beauvoir. Not feeling safe because of past sexual traumas can block energies and orgasm. There is so much more. Please tune in!

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Charlie Glickman

Dr. Charlie Glickman (www.makesexeasy.com) and Dr. Diana spoke to two common concerns: checking out during sexual arousal, and learning how to receive sensual touch. If a woman can’t stop thinking about household chores or feels unattractive or can’t stand her partner’s breath, those feelings – not her biology – may be the basis of her lack of desire. No one can be in two places at once; therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you need to be in the moment and let go. Body image issues and past sexual trauma can get in the way of receiving sensual touch. Mindfulness, the practice of nonjudgemental awareness rooted in Buddhism, improves mood and reduces stress – both of which affect desire. Learning to be in the moment and ignore distractions can also help you enjoy sex more, and pleasure fuels  desire. To help you let go of distracting thoughts, focus on what feels good in your body. The sensate focus homework exercises provide an excellent vehicle for this. For a woman with low sexual desire, something going on in her life echoes through the nervous system and possibly mutes her sexual response. There are so many avenues to altering desire!

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Brad Coates

What are the social mega trends that are impacting modern romantic relationships? Brad Coates knows. He is a frequent guest and a longtime friend. www.CoatesandFrey.com. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY, 5^th Edition, is updated all the time…Brad wearing his sociologist hat on top of his lawyer hat. Online dating has meant that proximity is now worldwide and the timing is immediate.  Today an estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online, and as many as 15% of American adults have used dating sites or apps. Some are happy to note that people looking for a sweetheart on the internet are more likely to have full-time employment and higher education, and to be seeking a long-term partner. Relationships also end because of the internet: cheating and getting caught is easier.  According to a recent survey, 55% of Americans ages 18-45 spend more time on their phones than with their S.O.s. There have been significant changes in sexuality/pornography as well. The porn industry generates about 12 billion U.S. revenue. Some experts feel that this porn explosion has altered men’s sexual behavior toward women – where they are treated more as “objects.” In Dr. Diana’s practice, there are a few couples where porn does not negatively affect their relationship. Acceptance of pornography by BOTH partners can actually help with communication – what they like, what turns them on, the fantasies they harbor. Porn can be a scapegoat for all the conversations couples aren’t having. Dr. Diana and Brad Coates also discussed living together, cohabitation, and LAT (Living Apart Together). As so many know, marriage isn’t easy. According to CNNMoney.com, “Money is the top source of marital tension.” Our relationship with money is deeply emotional. Money both symbolizes and embodies freedom, security and control over our lives…and it can be strongly tied to self-worth and our judgements of others. Finally, we spoke of “Gray Divorces.” 25% of all recent divorces involved people who had been married for 2 decades or more. There are simply more potential new partners out there. Stephanie Coontz calls this a “thicker remarriage market.” Please tune-in for even more!   

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Mark Schoen,

Dr. Mark Schoen, a filmmaker and sex educator, returned to the program. We continued our conversation about the documentary “Candice” (aka Candida Royalle). Dr. Mark described Sheona McDonald’s documentary as a real tribute to the late Candice, a visionary who made female oriented, accurate, and realistic films – often using real couples. She was a good friend to my guest and me. Like many other sex therapists, I suggested Candice’s films and still do. They can be found onwww.BetterSex.com, distributed by Adam & Eve. Dr. Mark’s website is www.SexSmartFilms.com. Eleven years ago he started with 46 films, and now has 615 films divided into categories such as Education, Research and Therapy. The site is a sex educator’s dream come true! In 2012 Mark made a film called “Trans” about transgendered folks, a film that has saved lives (the suicide rate is about 41% ). “Trans” can be found on Amazon Prime and i-Tunes. A documentary entitled “Love After War” – www.LoveAfterWar.org – is nearly complete. It deals with injured veterans who need help healing their relational/sexual wounds. For many, getting more information on sexual health can make all the difference!