Frequent guest, Sheri Winston, is fun, funny, and possesses incredible knowledge! She is the author of Succulent Sex Craft – www.IntimateArtsCenter.com – and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal. Today’s program focused on her latter book, specifically Chapter 4 “The Red-Hot Dance of Yin and Yang.” Sexual energy – the Yin and the Yang – have  similarities and differences. Sheri helped us to understand the differences so that we can deeply connect. Often at our core is the Yin or the Yang energy – with many having both energies, the receptive (Yin) and the Yang (initiating and directing). “Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magical spell; it demands complete abandon.”-- Simone de Beauvoir. Not feeling safe because of past sexual traumas can block energies and orgasm. There is so much more. Please tune in!

Dr. Charlie Glickman (www.makesexeasy.com) and Dr. Diana spoke to two common concerns: checking out during sexual arousal, and learning how to receive sensual touch. If a woman can’t stop thinking about household chores or feels unattractive or can’t stand her partner’s breath, those feelings – not her biology – may be the basis of her lack of desire. No one can be in two places at once; therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you need to be in the moment and let go. Body image issues and past sexual trauma can get in the way of receiving sensual touch. Mindfulness, the practice of nonjudgemental awareness rooted in Buddhism, improves mood and reduces stress – both of which affect desire. Learning to be in the moment and ignore distractions can also help you enjoy sex more, and pleasure fuels  desire. To help you let go of distracting thoughts, focus on what feels good in your body. The sensate focus homework exercises provide an excellent vehicle for this. For a woman with low sexual desire, something going on in her life echoes through the nervous system and possibly mutes her sexual response. There are so many avenues to altering desire!

What are the social mega trends that are impacting modern romantic relationships? Brad Coates knows. He is a frequent guest and a longtime friend. www.CoatesandFrey.com. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY, 5th Edition, is updated all the time…Brad wearing his sociologist hat on top of his lawyer hat. Online dating has meant that proximity is now worldwide and the timing is immediate.  Today an estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online, and as many as 15% of American adults have used dating sites or apps. Some are happy to note that people looking for a sweetheart on the internet are more likely to have full-time employment and higher education, and to be seeking a long-term partner. Relationships also end because of the internet: cheating and getting caught is easier.  According to a recent survey, 55% of Americans ages 18-45 spend more time on their phones than with their S.O.s. There have been significant changes in sexuality/pornography as well. The porn industry generates about 12 billion U.S. revenue. Some experts feel that this porn explosion has altered men’s sexual behavior toward women – where they are treated more as “objects.” In Dr. Diana’s practice, there are a few couples where porn does not negatively affect their relationship. Acceptance of pornography by BOTH partners can actually help with communication – what they like, what turns them on, the fantasies they harbor. Porn can be a scapegoat for all the conversations couples aren’t having. Dr. Diana and Brad Coates also discussed living together, cohabitation, and LAT (Living Apart Together). As so many know, marriage isn’t easy. According to CNNMoney.com, “Money is the top source of marital tension.” Our relationship with money is deeply emotional. Money both symbolizes and embodies freedom, security and control over our lives…and it can be strongly tied to self-worth and our judgements of others. Finally, we spoke of “Gray Divorces.” 25% of all recent divorces involved people who had been married for 2 decades or more. There are simply more potential new partners out there. Stephanie Coontz calls this a “thicker remarriage market.” Please tune-in for even more!   

Dr. Mark Schoen, a filmmaker and sex educator, returned to the program. We continued our conversation about the documentary “Candice” (aka Candida Royalle). Dr. Mark described Sheona McDonald’s documentary as a real tribute to the late Candice, a visionary who made female oriented, accurate, and realistic films – often using real couples. She was a good friend to my guest and me. Like many other sex therapists, I suggested Candice’s films and still do. They can be found onwww.BetterSex.com, distributed by Adam & Eve. Dr. Mark’s website is www.SexSmartFilms.com. Eleven years ago he started with 46 films, and now has 615 films divided into categories such as Education, Research and Therapy. The site is a sex educator’s dream come true! In 2012 Mark made a film called “Trans” about transgendered folks, a film that has saved lives (the suicide rate is about 41% ). “Trans” can be found on Amazon Prime and i-Tunes. A documentary entitled “Love After War” – www.LoveAfterWar.org – is nearly complete. It deals with injured veterans who need help healing their relational/sexual wounds. For many, getting more information on sexual health can make all the difference!

What is Somatic Sex Coaching?  This topic is rarely discussed or fully understood. The expert is Dr. Charlie Glickman (www.makesexeasy.com) a sex and relationship coach, a sexuality educator, and a sexological bodyworker. His clients often need to break through the emotional barriers that have to do with sex. The others have to do with expanding pleasure and experimentation. With Dr. Charlie, there’s no kissing, oral sex, or penetration, and if he manually stimulates you, he uses a glove. All touch is one-way. Trauma is stored in the body, and there are triggers around touch that produce fight, flight, or freeze. Dr. Charlie observes that the better one is at receiving pleasure, the better he or she is at sex! For some men, doingmanages his anxiety. But, what is he feeling emotionally? He may not feel safe due to past sexual trauma. The same may be true for a woman, of course. Dr. Charlie will return to the program July 23rd. Tune in – and for the one in July!

Candida Royalle lived a life of passion and purpose – a pioneer in erotic cinema that are sensually explicit and female pleasure centric. Filmmaker Sheona McDonald (www.Dimestore.ca) made the documentary “Candice” all about Candida Royalle. My friend of twenty years-plus, Candice gained public traction in both the adult and academic communities for her erotic films featuring plotlines from a female pleasure perspective. Sheona captured the essence of Candice in both “Inside Her Sex” (www.insidehersex.com) and in the doc “Candice.” Sexual shame and exploration are themes. Dr. Diana and Sheona discussed the films and the subjects that were covered. Does Candice, her work, and the things she was fighting for fit into the current conversation? Please tune-in and decide for yourself!   

 

Bryan, please show the photo of CR and Sheona from www.insidehersex.com. They are smiling in SF!   

We needed to see female pleasure so that we could demand it for ourselves. Candida Royalle (Candice), the godmother of feminist porn, taught us a lot about sex. A former adult performer, she went behind the camera and founded Femme Production in 1984, making films that depicted women in control of their sex lives…Happy couples having hot sex.  Candice died of ovarian cancer at the age of 64 in 2015. My guest, Dr. Mark Schoen, and I were both good friends of the late film maker. My husband and I traveled to Vancouver, B.C. for the May 4th premiere of the documentary “Candice” by Director/Film maker Sheona McDonald. She will be my guest next week. Mark and I agreed Sheona made a very intimate, compelling portrait of a woman who was a true pioneer in the field of adult film making . Dr Mark is a sex educator and film maker – www.SexSmartFilms.com. So, one film maker reviews another film maker! His films, including “Trans,” have been transformative! Go to his website so that you might get a real sex education. Please tune-in next week for Sheona and the following week for Dr. Mark again.

Brad Coates, author of “DIVORCE with DECENCY” – 5TH Edition, and Dr. Diana discussed the widening gender gap. When men and women face the same passage with different needs and directions, how do marriages/relationships survive? When we talk about men’s passages, “traditional masculinity” often relies on stoicism, dominance, aggression and competitiveness. It seems that the more men cling to rigid views of masculinity, the more likely they are to be depressed, or disdainful, or lonely. How does a man, especially over fifty, move from competing to connecting? Some men feel the solution lies in fixing women: as soon as women stop taking their jobs, depression fades; as soon as women stop categorizing sexual attention as harassment, there is less loneliness. There is also the idea that save-your-life-wife – that men really are more dependent on women than they might admit. A fear of intimacy often lurks. This fear may be a fear of going too deep into himself. It’s a mirror. “I’m afraid to look for the old jock image of myself and find out, ‘Hey, you’re really not that good.’” There’s more, and it’s complicated. Tune in to hear Coates and Wiley sort this out. www.CoatesandFrey.com

Relationship Skills: Playing Nicely With Others was Sheri Winston’s focus. Sheri (www.IntimateArtsCenter.com) is a teacher, author, and medical professional  with some thirty years’ experience. Dr. Diana and Sheri spoke about the balance between self-awareness (“I”), partner-awareness (“You”)  and partner-awareness (“Us”). Self-awareness requires a good relationship with the self; sometimes the key to better sex might be repairing that relationship. The “ You” part may be improved by syncing up with your partner – plugging into a partner’s breath, pelvic thrusts and vocalizations. As for the “Us” part, being fully transparent – sharing everything, especially those parts you don’t want to share. Can you let your lover love you completely, your darkness as well as your light? There are many teachers, including the Gottmans and Harville Hendrix (Imago).  Eliminating negativity patterns by resolving to go 30 days without negativity, and by replacing judgment with curiosity can be great “fixes.” Sheri’s books are “Succulent Sex Craft” and “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure” can be found on her website and also on AMAZON.  Please listen for a lively, informative show! 

What is your sexual history – and what might it mean? Sheri Winston returned to the program to sort this out with Dr. Diana. Sheri is a celebrated sexuality teacher, and an award-winning author. Her book “Succulent Sex Craft” is available on AMAZON; but you’ll also want to check out her website www.IntimateArtsCenter.com. Most everybody has learned something from their sexual history. For some women “happily ever after” stories take over: as in, someday my Prince will come – and so will I! Sheri’s book talks about erotic communication, and succulent sex craft for partners. One of her suggestions is for couples to have a Play Shop where there is “show and tell” for kissing, for stroking, for foot massages, for genitals, etc. … Starting slow, super slow. It’s good to remember that if men are microwaves, women are slow-cooking ovens! Couples will switch roles, and if receiving, having responsible responses. Want to hear the details?  Tune in!

 

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