Here we are in the year 2020; hopefully, our vision has more clarity. The number one New Year’s Resolution is often LOSING WEIGHT. But, a lot of us use food as a drug – to hide from our feelings, to anesthetize ourselves, to escape. Grace Bell knows the dark side of weight control: years ago she had to drop out of college because of anorexia and bulimia. Now she is a Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie and a Washington State Certified Counselor – www.workwithgrace.com and www.eatingpeaceprocess.com. Grace and Dr. Diana discussed compulsion, sexuality and body image, and mindfulness. Many with eating disorders learn to connect food-phobic thoughts to upsetting events or feelings. Grace’s therapeutic work teaches how to identify feelings so that self-doubt can be unraveled instead of stuffing it down one’s throat. How does a woman’s image of her body affect her sexuality and her relationship with her partner? A primary way to enjoy sex is to focus on the pleasure. If she is distracted by the girth of her thighs or the tilt of her breasts, she may lose the sensitivity to her partner and not be able to let go. As long as we equate slenderness with beauty and success anorexia and bulimia will plague many with dire, even deadly, consequences. The documentary “I am Maris” (www.iammarismovie.com) follows Maris through her journey battling eating disorders (Netflix, Amazon Prime, i-tunes). Grace will return to this program February 4th for more about Byron Katie’s The Work.   

Michael Castleman is one of the world’s most popular sex experts! His blog on www.PsychologyToday.com has attracted more than 35 million views, and his Q & A website www.GreatSexGuidance.com has garnered more than 2 million views. Michael, a medical journalist, has eighteen books to his credit – including two sexuality guides Great Sex (2004) and Sexual Solutions (1980). His succinct message from the beginning is this: “If you make love the way most women enjoy, you’ll suffer fewer sex problems and your partners will enjoy sex more, have orgasms consistently, and give you high marks in bed – an erotic win-win.” Besides, the man is then more likely to know the answer to the question What do women want?  We discussed many topics from his soon-to-be published “GREAT SEX GUIDANCE: The Comprehensive Guide to Lifelong Pleasure For Men and the Women Who Love Them.” The interview included a suggestion for men: eat more pussy! Also, sex is something you have to learn, no one is ever too old for great sex, the cure for premature ejaculation, and how to handle desire differences. Michael Castleman reports: “Sex is one of life’s great pleasures. It can also drive people crazy.” He wants his books to reduce confusion and misery, and enhance erotic pleasure and satisfaction. He wishes you great sex! For so much more, please listen in!

Beginning with Boomer women having experienced more recreational sex and more sex partners, they seemed to experience more self-fulfillment over older traditions of duty and lifetime marriage at any cost. An AARP study showed that the Baby Boom generation was responsible for the extraordinary rise in marital instability after 1970. “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll” was the mantra – but they would never have kicked off the sexual revolution without the birth control pill. Now there are higher expectations for their relationships than in previous generations, and more “grey divorces.” The “thicker remarriage market” partially comes as a result of over-50 online dating services. We also discussed Millennials and sex. Some are embracing the “New Monogamy.” Hookups seem to be better for men than for women who report more sexual satisfaction in relational sex. “We hook up because we have no social skills. We have no social skills because we hook up,” is a quote that may describe a Millennial problem. In addition, there may be the paradox of choice – too many choices,          but no actual ability to act on any one of them. There is so much more. Tune in!  

After nearly ten years on Progressive Radio Network, I suspect you know that I have a deep belief: your sexuality matters! My friend and colleague, Dr. Linda de Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) has he very same belief. We’ve both recently returned from conferences – Linda’s WORLD ASSOCIATION for SEXUAL HEALTH (WAS) held last month in Mexico City, and mine QUAD-S (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) meeting last week in Denver. We had conversations about two of the presenters: Dr. Ellen Laan (WAS) and Dr. Meredith Chivers (Quad-S). A few points from Dr. Laan’s talk included that sexual pleasure is a very gendered embodied affair, that women have four times as much testosterone than estrogen, that sex for reproduction occurs about 1% of the time (the other 99% for pleasure), that focus is way too much on penises(fingers work better), that lesbians do better with regard to orgasms (vaginal – again fingers, not dildos), and gender differences on the decline. Conclusion: we are all from Mars. Meredith Chivers is leading the Canadian effort to give women a better orgasm. She and other researchers are increasingly using eye-trackers, brain scanners to get a direct look at our brains --  our largest sex organ. Heterosexual women’s genitals become aroused from lesbian sex to copulating bonobo apes, and more. Female sexuality is more fluid. Vaginal flow and lubrication does not always mean a woman feels subjectively aroused. It may be adapted to react to sexual violence – lubricating to protect delicate tissues from injury. Men who say, “If you’re wet, you must want it,” are buying into a misogynist myth. Distraction is also studied: it may well be that distraction correlates with sexual dysfunctions such as distressingly low desire and arousal. Mindfulness may work as a bridge to sexual awareness. Sexuality is a window into one of the greatest human mysteries: communication between the mind and the body – and how we can better align the two. Tune in for so much more!

 

Do you want to know some behind the scenes secrets of sex therapists? Listen to this show because Dr. Lori Buckley (www.DrLoriBuckley.com) and your host Dr. Diana Wiley (www.DrDianaWiley.com) – two seasoned sex therapists – shared in a lively, informative conversation! First we talked about our backgrounds and how we decided on the specialty of sex therapy. Then we discussed why we love our work so much. We’ve both seen thousands of people – helping them learn what it possible. It is deeply satisfying work and it was fun to share success stories. A good sex therapist will teach the clients to communicate with each other and find solutions as they go along. Often old anger and resentments will dissipate. Sometimes we have to do psychotherapy before we can do sex therapy. Homework/homeplay assignments are exercises that typically include talking, touching and setting up erotic scenarios. A therapist alternates between playing sex detective and sex coach. First, we ask a lot of questions to try to understand the problem, then give suggestions or ideas to try during lovemaking at home. We need to overcome barriers because some people are afraid of exposing themselves, whether physically or emotionally. We also often need to help our clients shake off shame. Some fear that their mates wouldn’t love or respect them if they knew their deepest sexual secrets – unusual turn-ons, colorful histories, long-ago rape or abuse. Partners learn that their secrets no longer control them. When therapy works, when clients begin to relax, to laugh, to have fun – it’s like watching a flower opening!

Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY – 5th Edition” is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.” www.CoatesandFrey.com  Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) returned to the program and we spoke about her book  “Simple Sexy Food: 101 Tasty Aphrodisiac Recipes and Sensual Tips to Stir Your Libido and Feed Your Love.”  How are sensual foods, romance and love intertwined? Ever since Marc Antony first fed Cleopatra grapes that connection has been there. Dr. Linda’s book is part aphrodisiac cooking manual and part sensual self-help. The bond between food and sensual pleasure is the first thing we learn at birth…from nursing to death, food and sex go hand in hand. We spoke about the most widely known aphrodisiacs, some of the most intriguing/fun beliefs about aphrodisiacs in the past, and what is most important  in preparing  an aphrodisiac meal. We use the same senses at the table to measure a great meal as we do to appreciate a fine time in bed – the eyes, the ears, the nose, the mouth, and tactile sensations. We have foreplay and we have fork play! Of course, the only truly infallible aphrodisiac is love; but, with erotic cooking, you could just fuel a little lust! Dr. De Villers will return November 12th to discuss her other book “Love Skills.”

David Steinberg (www.DavidSteinberg.us) erotic author and photographer is a thoughtful observer, an explorer with empathy and a writer with (sex-positive) honesty. I know this to be true because I’ve known David for thirty-plus years. Last time we discussed his book “This Thing We Call Sex.” For this program we spoke of the not yet published “The Shepard and the Nymph – The Erotic Letters of Marco Vassi and Eve Diana.” Who was Marco Vassi and why is he important? What are his most important books? Who is Eve Diana and what was the nature of their relationship? David talked about the story behind this book and how it came about…The back story is fascinating! Vassi was a part of the NY sex scene in the 70s and 80s; in fact, he revealed he had sex with 1000 men and 500 women. He died of AIDS in 1989. His legacy were many books exploring sexual adventures and openness. His relationship with Eve Diana is noteworthy because David’s book is a private view into their sexual connection. Please tune in – there is more. David’s work as an erotic photographer is also fascinating!

The “senior sexpert,” a “wrinkly sex kitten” and a true advocate for ageless sexuality returned to the show. Joan Price – www.joanprice.com – has written many books including her most recent “Sex After Grief – Navigating your Sexuality after Losing your Beloved.”  Being sexual is a reminder that one is still alive! Others need the affirmation that they are still attractive. Even so, when one has lost a partner, often someone of many years, the journey can be complicated. Joan and Dr. Diana have both had husbands who died and know the struggles first-hand. In this book Joan describes myths about sex and grieving, solo sex (and on-the-air she offered  sex toy reviews!), massage or more (her own erotic massage), dating again, journaling, and considerations about what is next. For those with survivor guilt, Joan teaches that they are not replacing love, they are adding to love. Hopefully, there is enough love to go around! Listen for more details to his lively, informative discussion.

Frequent guest, Sheri Winston, is fun, funny, and possesses incredible knowledge! She is the author of Succulent Sex Craft – www.IntimateArtsCenter.com – and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal. Today’s program focused on her latter book, specifically Chapter 4 “The Red-Hot Dance of Yin and Yang.” Sexual energy – the Yin and the Yang – have  similarities and differences. Sheri helped us to understand the differences so that we can deeply connect. Often at our core is the Yin or the Yang energy – with many having both energies, the receptive (Yin) and the Yang (initiating and directing). “Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magical spell; it demands complete abandon.”-- Simone de Beauvoir. Not feeling safe because of past sexual traumas can block energies and orgasm. There is so much more. Please tune in!

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