Brad Coates and Dr. Diana love to talk about romance – and have been doing it (on the radio) for more than 20 years! Brad’s title for this broadcast is: “Divergent Wants, Needs, Expectations and Desires which Men and Women Each Have for Their Romantic Relationships.”                   As a divorce lawyer, he well knows the three main causes of divorce: sex, money, and family. This show is called LOVE, LUST & LAUGHTER – so, of course we focused on “sex”! As Brad says … in divorce situations there has been either too much sex outside the marriage, or too little within it. “ Relationship ruptures” are first explained by Brad in the form of data: 60% of men, but only 35% of women, say sexual activity is important in their lives. Once again, COMMUNICATION rules! Why are many women not so interested in sex? What about the older woman and divorce? More thought provoking topics!  Brad is the author of “Divorce with Decency” – 5th Edition. www.CoatesandFrey.com

Grace Bell, Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie – www.workwithgrace.com – returned to the program. Friends and colleagues, Dr. Diana and Grace have this in common: they never want to stop opening up people’s lives! Grace talked about Byron Katie’s key questions for reflection/transformation – Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true?  How do you react when you believe this thought? And, Who would you be without this thought? Eating disorders and sexuality issues have shame, and often sexual abuse at the foundation. Grace spoke about her recent Eating Peace Retreat where the group process was very powerful and transformative! Women say, “I don’t care if I’m peaceful…I want to be thin.” And “Bad things can happen – watch out, be cautious.” Grace demonstrated the turnaround process. Mindfulness is essential; for example, noticing what you want right now, noticing what you want to put in your mouth. “No-fault” mindful eating is eating only when hungry and eating exactly what you want, focusing on the food, stopping when full. Women often use food, eating and weight to express (or suppress) painful feelings about their lives, relationships, sexuality and gender roles. Some feel totally out of control and consumed by self-loathing. Please tune-in for some answers!

How is your sexual relationship going to improve in this new year? Dr. Lori Buckley – www.DrLoriBuckley.com –  is the guest and author of “21 Decisions for Great Sex & A Happy Relationship.” This is a book that offers simple steps to improve your relationship so that it is more satisfying and healthy. As Dr. Lori promises, “There are not many experiences in life as great as mind-blowing sex with someone you love!!!”  And she points out that there is a difference between resolutions and decisions. Listen in and hear the fascinating differences – and/or get her book! We also spoke about negative body image – since weight loss resolutions are so common at this time of year. The only way we are able to enjoy sex is to focus on the pleasure. If you’re distracted by worry that your partner won’t find you attractive, you won’t be a responsive partner. Not promising for the relationship!

Here we are in the year 2020; hopefully, our vision has more clarity. The number one New Year’s Resolution is often LOSING WEIGHT. But, a lot of us use food as a drug – to hide from our feelings, to anesthetize ourselves, to escape. Grace Bell knows the dark side of weight control: years ago she had to drop out of college because of anorexia and bulimia. Now she is a Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie and a Washington State Certified Counselor – www.workwithgrace.com and www.eatingpeaceprocess.com. Grace and Dr. Diana discussed compulsion, sexuality and body image, and mindfulness. Many with eating disorders learn to connect food-phobic thoughts to upsetting events or feelings. Grace’s therapeutic work teaches how to identify feelings so that self-doubt can be unraveled instead of stuffing it down one’s throat. How does a woman’s image of her body affect her sexuality and her relationship with her partner? A primary way to enjoy sex is to focus on the pleasure. If she is distracted by the girth of her thighs or the tilt of her breasts, she may lose the sensitivity to her partner and not be able to let go. As long as we equate slenderness with beauty and success anorexia and bulimia will plague many with dire, even deadly, consequences. The documentary “I am Maris” (www.iammarismovie.com) follows Maris through her journey battling eating disorders (Netflix, Amazon Prime, i-tunes). Grace will return to this program February 4th for more about Byron Katie’s The Work.   

Michael Castleman is one of the world’s most popular sex experts! His blog on www.PsychologyToday.com has attracted more than 35 million views, and his Q & A website www.GreatSexGuidance.com has garnered more than 2 million views. Michael, a medical journalist, has eighteen books to his credit – including two sexuality guides Great Sex (2004) and Sexual Solutions (1980). His succinct message from the beginning is this: “If you make love the way most women enjoy, you’ll suffer fewer sex problems and your partners will enjoy sex more, have orgasms consistently, and give you high marks in bed – an erotic win-win.” Besides, the man is then more likely to know the answer to the question What do women want?  We discussed many topics from his soon-to-be published “GREAT SEX GUIDANCE: The Comprehensive Guide to Lifelong Pleasure For Men and the Women Who Love Them.” The interview included a suggestion for men: eat more pussy! Also, sex is something you have to learn, no one is ever too old for great sex, the cure for premature ejaculation, and how to handle desire differences. Michael Castleman reports: “Sex is one of life’s great pleasures. It can also drive people crazy.” He wants his books to reduce confusion and misery, and enhance erotic pleasure and satisfaction. He wishes you great sex! For so much more, please listen in!

Beginning with Boomer women having experienced more recreational sex and more sex partners, they seemed to experience more self-fulfillment over older traditions of duty and lifetime marriage at any cost. An AARP study showed that the Baby Boom generation was responsible for the extraordinary rise in marital instability after 1970. “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll” was the mantra – but they would never have kicked off the sexual revolution without the birth control pill. Now there are higher expectations for their relationships than in previous generations, and more “grey divorces.” The “thicker remarriage market” partially comes as a result of over-50 online dating services. We also discussed Millennials and sex. Some are embracing the “New Monogamy.” Hookups seem to be better for men than for women who report more sexual satisfaction in relational sex. “We hook up because we have no social skills. We have no social skills because we hook up,” is a quote that may describe a Millennial problem. In addition, there may be the paradox of choice – too many choices,          but no actual ability to act on any one of them. There is so much more. Tune in!  

After nearly ten years on Progressive Radio Network, I suspect you know that I have a deep belief: your sexuality matters! My friend and colleague, Dr. Linda de Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) has he very same belief. We’ve both recently returned from conferences – Linda’s WORLD ASSOCIATION for SEXUAL HEALTH (WAS) held last month in Mexico City, and mine QUAD-S (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) meeting last week in Denver. We had conversations about two of the presenters: Dr. Ellen Laan (WAS) and Dr. Meredith Chivers (Quad-S). A few points from Dr. Laan’s talk included that sexual pleasure is a very gendered embodied affair, that women have four times as much testosterone than estrogen, that sex for reproduction occurs about 1% of the time (the other 99% for pleasure), that focus is way too much on penises(fingers work better), that lesbians do better with regard to orgasms (vaginal – again fingers, not dildos), and gender differences on the decline. Conclusion: we are all from Mars. Meredith Chivers is leading the Canadian effort to give women a better orgasm. She and other researchers are increasingly using eye-trackers, brain scanners to get a direct look at our brains --  our largest sex organ. Heterosexual women’s genitals become aroused from lesbian sex to copulating bonobo apes, and more. Female sexuality is more fluid. Vaginal flow and lubrication does not always mean a woman feels subjectively aroused. It may be adapted to react to sexual violence – lubricating to protect delicate tissues from injury. Men who say, “If you’re wet, you must want it,” are buying into a misogynist myth. Distraction is also studied: it may well be that distraction correlates with sexual dysfunctions such as distressingly low desire and arousal. Mindfulness may work as a bridge to sexual awareness. Sexuality is a window into one of the greatest human mysteries: communication between the mind and the body – and how we can better align the two. Tune in for so much more!

 

Do you want to know some behind the scenes secrets of sex therapists? Listen to this show because Dr. Lori Buckley (www.DrLoriBuckley.com) and your host Dr. Diana Wiley (www.DrDianaWiley.com) – two seasoned sex therapists – shared in a lively, informative conversation! First we talked about our backgrounds and how we decided on the specialty of sex therapy. Then we discussed why we love our work so much. We’ve both seen thousands of people – helping them learn what it possible. It is deeply satisfying work and it was fun to share success stories. A good sex therapist will teach the clients to communicate with each other and find solutions as they go along. Often old anger and resentments will dissipate. Sometimes we have to do psychotherapy before we can do sex therapy. Homework/homeplay assignments are exercises that typically include talking, touching and setting up erotic scenarios. A therapist alternates between playing sex detective and sex coach. First, we ask a lot of questions to try to understand the problem, then give suggestions or ideas to try during lovemaking at home. We need to overcome barriers because some people are afraid of exposing themselves, whether physically or emotionally. We also often need to help our clients shake off shame. Some fear that their mates wouldn’t love or respect them if they knew their deepest sexual secrets – unusual turn-ons, colorful histories, long-ago rape or abuse. Partners learn that their secrets no longer control them. When therapy works, when clients begin to relax, to laugh, to have fun – it’s like watching a flower opening!

Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY – 5th Edition” is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.” www.CoatesandFrey.com  Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) returned to the program and we spoke about her book  “Simple Sexy Food: 101 Tasty Aphrodisiac Recipes and Sensual Tips to Stir Your Libido and Feed Your Love.”  How are sensual foods, romance and love intertwined? Ever since Marc Antony first fed Cleopatra grapes that connection has been there. Dr. Linda’s book is part aphrodisiac cooking manual and part sensual self-help. The bond between food and sensual pleasure is the first thing we learn at birth…from nursing to death, food and sex go hand in hand. We spoke about the most widely known aphrodisiacs, some of the most intriguing/fun beliefs about aphrodisiacs in the past, and what is most important  in preparing  an aphrodisiac meal. We use the same senses at the table to measure a great meal as we do to appreciate a fine time in bed – the eyes, the ears, the nose, the mouth, and tactile sensations. We have foreplay and we have fork play! Of course, the only truly infallible aphrodisiac is love; but, with erotic cooking, you could just fuel a little lust! Dr. De Villers will return November 12th to discuss her other book “Love Skills.”

- Older Posts »