Love, Lust, and Laughter

Love, Lust and Laughter - 09.19.23

Sexual Communication Improves As We Get Older

 

Dr. Stephanie Buehler joins Dr. Diana in a conversation about sexual communication; later, the sex docs speak about menopause. Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com) is a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor. She is the author of several books on sexuality and relationships. Dr. Stephanie notes how important it is for the aging person to acknowledge and cope with changes. What doesn’t change is the solution: Couples need to figure out their sexual needs and wants and communicate them (and perhaps put down their phones for a while!). Conversation, it seems, is the most powerful type of foreplay. Talk to each other about sex. What do you want to feel? Desired, young, and alive?  Or?  Then you have to decide if you’re willing to put in the work. Practice, practice! Gourmet sex is like gourmet cooking. They don’t happen without focus.

 

Dr. Buehler points out that before having a hard conversation with a loved one, it’s important to identify what you want to say. Perhaps it is, “I am sad and what I need from you is extra affection.” Have empathy for your partner. On the other side is contempt, a dangerous feeling.

 

We have to adapt to changes as we age. Good sex needs re-imaging, expansion! Outercourse is wonderful because there’s no goal … you can just enjoy the feelings. The man doesn’t have to worry about his erection because there is no penetration. Partners can get out of their brains and into their bodies!

 

Connection rules. In the heat of an argument, many people have trouble reaching out. Remember, hurt underlies anger. Couples have to decide that the relationship is more important than all those things they do that annoy each other. Positive reinforcement instead of criticizing always wins!

 

Dr. Stephanie observes that in some Asian cultures where aging is revered, women don’t have as negative an experience with menopause. Older women are seen as wise and are protectors. Many menopausal women say emphatically “This is my time!” She was a good girl, a good wife and a good parent. She’s done for everyone, and now she is going to take care of herself. Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy, BHRT, can provide the missing hormones resulting from menopause. Please listen to the podcast for all the details!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 08.08.23

Is the “Barbie” Movie Layered with Subversive Messages?

 

Nicole McNichols, PhD – The Sex Professor – www.nicolethesexprofessor.com – joins Dr. Diana to review the movie “Barbie.” They explored layered themes, including body image, appearances, perfectionism, and shame.

 

It’s not surprising that for the past 64 years, Barbie has been at the center of debates about who women are, who they should be, how they look, and what they want. The “Barbie” movie reveals many answers!

 

Body Image/Appearances – Dr. Nicole and Dr. Diana discussed how a woman’s image of her body affects her sexuality – and her relationship with her partner. There is “spectatoring” – looking at yourself with a critical eye during sex, preventing mindfulness. Sensate Focus exercises promote touching, massaging – helping a couple discover new erogenous zones for pleasure beyond PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex. What to do about a poor body image? Cultivate the ability to appreciate your uniqueness. When you start to appreciate your imperfections as endearing distinctions, you will have begun to love yourself in a way that allows you to love others. Regardless, the idea of a perfect body is fiction. None of us have perfect bodies. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment!

 

Perfectionism – Eventually, Barbie was able to embrace herself, her vulnerability, her authenticity. Dr. Nicole proclaims: Real is the new perfect!

 

Shame – Sometimes called the “master emotion,” it is the feeling that we’re not worthy, competent, or good. Shame on you if you fail, so don’t try. There is not much room for growth.

 

Barbie and Ken both experience personal growth. Barbie deals with sexism and experiences the power of female confidence and collaboration. Ken deals with patriarchy and perils of toxic masculinity and entitlement.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols is a Sex Professor with about 4,000 students a year attending her class at the University of Washington. There’s a reason she’s so popular … Her sex-positive messages are delivered with vitality, enthusiasm, humor and intelligence!  Dr. Nicole has a blog on Psychology Today, and you can see her great posts on Instagram and TikTok.

 

Stay tuned!  She’ll be back for a Part 2.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 07.18.23

Alternative Relationship Arrangements

 

David Steinberg is a writer of consummate intelligence and compassion! Whether he is writing books or taking photographs, it comes across that sex is who we are, how we live, and how we experience pleasure and life. I’ve known David since 1988 when his first book Erotic by Nature was published. We’ve been friends for 35 years!

 

David and I discuss Open Relationships (one aspect of ethical nonmonogamy) and Living Apart Together. David and Kim, his partner of 17 years, practice both. David talks about how they give each other freedom, they get to be who they authentically are. He says they keep it fresh!  Every year and a day Kim and David meet to review and further define their relationship. Do they want to continue for another year and a day? It appears they have the real thing going on, a true love story!

 

Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) describes the situation where members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and/or romantic partners, and it’s gaining in popularity. More than a fifth of single American adults have engaged in ENM according to recent studies. ENM requires self-reflection, radically open communication, and compassion. Boundaries and rules are discussed; they may need to be re-negotiated over time. The trust is built on the fact that there’s nothing to hide.

 

Living Apart Together (LAT) refers to committed couples who each keep separate homes, often because they cherish private space and financial independence. Often these couples begin their relationship later in life. Both David and Dr. Diana have their respective LAT situations. The thrill in your relationship tends to endure because you are not living with each other all the time, thus helping to avert the slippery slope into a gray, monotonous relationship. Dopamine, the hormone of arousal, flows when there’s anticipation of wonderful sex to come! Yes, let there be spaces in your togetherness.

 

David Steinberg is also the author of This Thing We Call Sex. His fine art sexual photography will be assembled into a book Loving Couples, now in production. When it is published, he’ll be back to talk about it, I promise!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 05.30.23

Getting “Sex Smart” with Dr. Mark Schoen

 

Dr. Mark Schoen is a sex educator and a filmmaker whose website www.SexSmartFilms.com has been called the “Netflix of sex education.” Fifteen years ago, Dr. Mark started with 46 films and now his site has over 600 films divided into three categories – Education, Research, and Therapy.  

 

Many universities use Sex Smart Films knowing that it is a sex educator’s dream come true! Parents need to familiarize themselves with the Education section of the site. Research shows that mothers and fathers who talk about sex with their kids are more likely to end up with adult children who share their values.

 

Dr. Diana suggests that her client couples use the Therapy section for Sensate Focus Exercises. For her female clients with anorgasmia, using the “Becoming Orgasmic” steps can help with just that! Dr. Mark says many people use these two sections for self-help – when sex therapy is not an option.

 

Watching any of the films of Mark’s site can be a great way to improve a couple’s communication. Pause after a scene and talk about it. This may help articulate wants and sexual needs. Plus, we learn so much visually.

Dr. Mark and Dr.  Diana discussed possible consequences of little or no sex education.

 

Many folks need to be educated about what it means to be transgender. The transgender community is perhaps the most misunderstood and mistreated minority in America and around the world.  

 

Mark Schoen’s documentary “TRANS” shares the stories of several transgender people in various stages of their lives and their transition, ranging from a 7-year-old to those in middle age. Family and friends viewing this film will better understand what their loved one is going through. At a Univ. of Michigan discussion, a male-to-female trans person was asked if they chose this. The reply: “Who the fuck would choose this?!” They are born this way.

 

Dr. Mark Schoen gave birth to Sex Smart Films. What a valuable resource!  Check it out.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 04.18.23

Dr. Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabis specialist with a practice in Boston. Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Now he helps patients around the world. All of his appointments are virtual.

 

His website has lots of helpful information. Soon Dr. Tishler will publish his randomized, controlled study with one thousand females, looking at situational orgasmic disorders. Most women can bring themselves to orgasm by masturbating, especially using a vibrating toy. Orgasms with a partner are more difficult for many women. Cannabis helps with orgasms!

 

“Evidence Mounts: Cannabis Enhances Lovemaking for Most” is the title of Michael Castleman’s Psychology Today Blog post (Oct. 15, 2022). Dr. Diana and Dr. Tishler spoke about the key points:

 

As cannabis becomes increasingly legal, many studies show that most users report better sex.
A 2020 report from Stanford researchers revealed that cannabis increases desire and arousal for most women and improves orgasm and satisfaction, and for most men, cannabis improves their erections and increases orgasms and satisfaction.
Cannabis doesn’t improve sex for everyone, but the research shows that two-thirds of users report sexual benefits.
 

Cannabis helps with pain and healing. Dr. Diana shared about her abdominal surgery in February. Cannabis helped with the pain … much better than the opioids! Two weeks after the surgery, she felt ready to resume sex with her husband. Smoking pot made a difference! More healing ensued! (Dr. Tishler also commented on the problem with opioids is that they can cause constipation; in some cases, addiction.)

 

Another cannabis benefit is that with lowered inhibitions, laughter and play may be more accessible! A good laugh—like a good cry or good sex—is a natural tranquilizer. Turns out, laughter is a natural stress-buster! Plus, remember that couples who laugh together, last together!

 

On the topic of cannabis vs alcohol, Dr. Tishler observed that alcohol is essentially yeast poop … it’s been through fermentation. It is waste.  The phytocannabinoids in cannabis come from a plant and work on the human body’s own endocannabinoid system. Dr. T. points out that alcohol is toxic to neurons, to the liver, heart and even bone marrow.

 

Dr. Tishler is a superb guest because he’s so articulate and dispenses excellent information! Spend some time on his website.

Dr. Diana also has more details available in her bonus chapter, “Cannabis for Couples.” Download it free from DearDrDiana.com.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 03.21.23

Talk about WILD MONOGAMY!

 

Listen to this satisfied couple: “Sex is the glue that keeps us tight – when your rhythms are the same, your fantasies, tastes, and levels of desire mesh and blend because you know this is not to be found on any corner just ahead.” Mali Apple and Joe Dunn (www.MaliandJoe.com) have this sort of sexual relationship, this sort of intimacy. And they wrote about it.

 

The authors draw on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love. Their forthcoming book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive, encourages couples to develop – or redevelop! – their erotic intimacy. Both in their coaching and in the book, Mali and Joe suggest that couples explore the edges of their “erotic comfort zones” to keep their sexual connection energized. One of you might be nervous but still you set up adventures to explore. Joe confessed he was once nervous to be naked on a nude beach … but then, he got to focus eventually on how the sun felt on his skin!

 

Sustaining desire requires reconciling two opposing sets of human needs – security and adventure, the domestic and the erotic.  

 

In the Chapter “Erotic Versatility,” readers are encouraged to open up to all four dimensions of sexual connection: physical, creative, emotional, and spiritual. There can be transcendent sex. It’s not about the body (not how thin, fat or youthful you are), yet the body is the instrument. It’s about union, which happens on the interior.  

 

There is the “Healing Power of Eroticism.” Couples can turn insecurities, inhibitions, shame, and even performance issues into opportunities for intimacy. Role playing can ease the way. Mali has paid Joe to act as her gigolo!

 

Imagine if your partnership could take you to states you’d never imagined – realizing “This is what we’re here for, to love like this!”  WILD MONOGAMY provides lots of inspiration!

 

Love, Lust and Laughter - 02.07.23

VALENTINE’S DAY is coming soon – LET’S TALK ROMANCE!

 

Dr. Ashley Mader (www.Ourshine.org) joined Dr. Diana to talk about love and romance. After all, love is a topic central to our lives and our search for meaning; alas, mystery and myth still cling.

 

The two sex therapists explored three areas:

 

They first targeted singles with the question: Who is my perfect romantic partner? A study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science in 2020 addressed this topic. Sorting through a massive data-set of 11,196 couples, they tried to figure out what makes some romantic relationships happier than others. The academics came to one central conclusion – that relationships are unpredictable. But while data analysis appears unable to point people to their ideal mates, it can tell us why our gut instincts are often wrong. When people choose partners, they tend to favor those who are physically attractive as well as people in certain height ranges. For daters, a potential strategy is to seek out people other daters tend to overlook. He or she may not be your type – but give them a chance! And, find a partner who is already happy, someone who is satisfied with their life and free from depression.

 

How to reignite passion in a long-time relationship. Passion usually changes over the course of a relationship. The feelings haven’t gone away. They’re just not prioritized; perhaps assumed instead of actionized. When you started dating, everything was about being together. Then life takes over. There are external and internal distractions everywhere. To name a few: cell phone, computer, kids, negative self-talk, worrying, judging, stressing, fatigue, inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, and lack of time. Couples often suffer from skin hunger because there is so little touching. According to research by Johns Hopkins, human fingertips have about 3,000 touch receptors, each! So, spend the night with your hands all over each other! Massaging is great foreplay.

 

How to truly express love to your partner on Valentine’s Day – or any day, really. To begin with, think about what you want: to be closer, happier, more loving and feeling more loved. This may help push you past your fears. You might open with, “I want to be more expressive, but I haven’t always had the words.” An Adoration List works -- five non-material things that make you feel special and loved, and share your list. Also, take turns saying what I love and appreciate about you. Appreciation begets appreciation. It builds a reservoir of good will.

 

Listen to the show for lots more details!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 01.10.23

GOALS FOR 2023: Integrating More Intimacy and Avoiding Bad Sex

 

To help Dr. Diana explore these goals for 2023, she welcomed back Dr. Ashley Mader to Love, Lust and Laughter. Dr. Ashely is a sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org).

 

We two sex therapists talked about “How to Have Bad Sex” and how to turn those negatives into positives.

 

Having bad sex requires that you:

• Compare Yourself to Others. Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. Forget the magazine quizzes and the six-step sex books! If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and anyone you’re having sex with – and don’t turn away. Be fully present.

 

• Ignore Your Body: The idea of a perfect body is fiction. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. It’s not easy, but working with the body you’ve got is a crucial part of improving your sex life. Get out of your head and into your body! Lots of sex surveys reveal that guys are not complaining about the size of their partner’s rear end. By the time a man wants to sleep with a woman, he finds her attractive. People struggle to get fully in their bodies. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy what is being shared sexually. Learn to massage and be massaged. (You can find several sensual touch exercises in Chapter 5 of Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine).  This kind of touching can help the body put down its armor.

 

• Grow Up, Get Serious:  Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play we engaged in when we were kids. (Innuits of Alaska call sex “laughing time”!) If you make sex just one more thing that’s serious and routine, you lose much of the power and the magic of sex! Remember to occasionally use eye contact as you pleasure each other.

 

• Let Fear be Your Guide: Sex can be scary … in part because sex demands that we give up control and expose ourselves. Thus, many don’t talk about their desires, don’t tell their partners what they really want to do. If you’re in a safe relationship where there is trust, fear doesn’t have to be your guide.

 

Dr. Ashley is interesting and fun! She plans to return on the 7th of February to talk about putting more romance into your relationship! Stay tuned

Love, Lust & Laughter - 12.20.22

JOY & STRESS – IT’S THE HOLIDAYS!   Dr. Carol Queen’s Good Vibrations platform allows her to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. There is an abundance of sex education in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol enjoyed a conversation about joys and stressors over the holidays. To have more joy, we need to manage our stress better!

 

The mind-body approach – the brain is locked in an intricate embrace with the body. It turns out the body has a big say in what we do and who we are. Information flows into the brain not only through all our senses but also from the vagus nerve as it snakes past all our organs, especially the gut. The vagus offers a pathway for healing the mind through the body.

 

Deep breathing practices of mindfulness can create an inner state of calm. Like most organs, our lungs are on autopilot, but we can take the wheel. Deep breathing for a minute or so recruits the vagus to send an all-clear signal to the brain. In doing so, the heart slows, the blood vessels relax, and the gut contractions smooth out. The gut, sometimes called the “second brain,” is home to trillions of microbes (composing the microbiome). An unbalanced gut microbiome, often a consequence of the standard American diet, is a potent source of inflammation and this can lead to major depression and anxiety.

 

Self-Compassion is better than self-esteem! An analysis of 14 studies found that people high in self-compassion were less vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and stress. When you see yourself clearly – both positive and negative traits – you can more easily cope with setbacks and mistakes. Self-compassion means treating yourself in the same way you would treat a treasured friend. Some people feel they need self-criticism to motivate themselves. Rather than motivating, it makes people feel anxious, incompetent, and depressed.

 

Relieving stress through sex.  Sex toys can be fun and can spice up a relationship! Dr. Carol has talked to men wanting to buy a sex toy for a partner. Dr. Carol will ask, “Have you talked to your lover?”  The answer is often, “No.” Communication is essential!

 

Buying a gift card at Good Vibrations or Babeland is a safe bet. Then you can make it part of a Date Night. Visit the store together and ask questions of a well-informed staff member. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana had a lively discussion about clit-sucking toys, mutual masturbation, and reading erotica.

 

 

Love, Lust & Laughter - 11.22.22

 

Dr. Carol Queen Is a “Cultural Sexologist” – Politically And Socially

 

She is the Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

 

The midterms revealed notable pro-choice outcomes. Abortion is healthcare and bodily autonomy is a human right! There is a long history of criminalizing bodily autonomy, especially for Black, Indigenous, working class, and trans people. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed the various culture war issues.

 

Bay Area activist Carol Leigh (1951-2022), also known as The Scarlot Harlot, died earlier this month. Her legacy in the area of sex work activism is substantial. She defined sex work as a labor issue, not a crime, not a sin. The job is done by a million people in this country who are stigmatized and criminalized by working to support their families. Carol Leigh coined the term “sex work” and said, “I wanted to create an atmosphere of tolerance within and outside the women’s movement for women working in the sex industry.”

 

The Holidays are coming … Will you gift sex toys? Tune in to hear Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol discuss guidelines for appropriate gift selections.

 

Dr. Carol will return to “Love, Lust and Laughter” December 13, 2022. Tune in then – and listen to today’s show – a provocative, informative broadcast!