Love, Lust, and Laughter

Love, Lust and Laughter - 03.21.23

Talk about WILD MONOGAMY!

 

Listen to this satisfied couple: “Sex is the glue that keeps us tight – when your rhythms are the same, your fantasies, tastes, and levels of desire mesh and blend because you know this is not to be found on any corner just ahead.” Mali Apple and Joe Dunn (www.MaliandJoe.com) have this sort of sexual relationship, this sort of intimacy. And they wrote about it.

 

The authors draw on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love. Their forthcoming book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive, encourages couples to develop – or redevelop! – their erotic intimacy. Both in their coaching and in the book, Mali and Joe suggest that couples explore the edges of their “erotic comfort zones” to keep their sexual connection energized. One of you might be nervous but still you set up adventures to explore. Joe confessed he was once nervous to be naked on a nude beach … but then, he got to focus eventually on how the sun felt on his skin!

 

Sustaining desire requires reconciling two opposing sets of human needs – security and adventure, the domestic and the erotic.  

 

In the Chapter “Erotic Versatility,” readers are encouraged to open up to all four dimensions of sexual connection: physical, creative, emotional, and spiritual. There can be transcendent sex. It’s not about the body (not how thin, fat or youthful you are), yet the body is the instrument. It’s about union, which happens on the interior.  

 

There is the “Healing Power of Eroticism.” Couples can turn insecurities, inhibitions, shame, and even performance issues into opportunities for intimacy. Role playing can ease the way. Mali has paid Joe to act as her gigolo!

 

Imagine if your partnership could take you to states you’d never imagined – realizing “This is what we’re here for, to love like this!”  WILD MONOGAMY provides lots of inspiration!

 

Love, Lust and Laughter - 02.07.23

VALENTINE’S DAY is coming soon – LET’S TALK ROMANCE!

 

Dr. Ashley Mader (www.Ourshine.org) joined Dr. Diana to talk about love and romance. After all, love is a topic central to our lives and our search for meaning; alas, mystery and myth still cling.

 

The two sex therapists explored three areas:

 

They first targeted singles with the question: Who is my perfect romantic partner? A study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science in 2020 addressed this topic. Sorting through a massive data-set of 11,196 couples, they tried to figure out what makes some romantic relationships happier than others. The academics came to one central conclusion – that relationships are unpredictable. But while data analysis appears unable to point people to their ideal mates, it can tell us why our gut instincts are often wrong. When people choose partners, they tend to favor those who are physically attractive as well as people in certain height ranges. For daters, a potential strategy is to seek out people other daters tend to overlook. He or she may not be your type – but give them a chance! And, find a partner who is already happy, someone who is satisfied with their life and free from depression.

 

How to reignite passion in a long-time relationship. Passion usually changes over the course of a relationship. The feelings haven’t gone away. They’re just not prioritized; perhaps assumed instead of actionized. When you started dating, everything was about being together. Then life takes over. There are external and internal distractions everywhere. To name a few: cell phone, computer, kids, negative self-talk, worrying, judging, stressing, fatigue, inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, and lack of time. Couples often suffer from skin hunger because there is so little touching. According to research by Johns Hopkins, human fingertips have about 3,000 touch receptors, each! So, spend the night with your hands all over each other! Massaging is great foreplay.

 

How to truly express love to your partner on Valentine’s Day – or any day, really. To begin with, think about what you want: to be closer, happier, more loving and feeling more loved. This may help push you past your fears. You might open with, “I want to be more expressive, but I haven’t always had the words.” An Adoration List works -- five non-material things that make you feel special and loved, and share your list. Also, take turns saying what I love and appreciate about you. Appreciation begets appreciation. It builds a reservoir of good will.

 

Listen to the show for lots more details!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 01.10.23

GOALS FOR 2023: Integrating More Intimacy and Avoiding Bad Sex

 

To help Dr. Diana explore these goals for 2023, she welcomed back Dr. Ashley Mader to Love, Lust and Laughter. Dr. Ashely is a sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org).

 

We two sex therapists talked about “How to Have Bad Sex” and how to turn those negatives into positives.

 

Having bad sex requires that you:

• Compare Yourself to Others. Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. Forget the magazine quizzes and the six-step sex books! If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and anyone you’re having sex with – and don’t turn away. Be fully present.

 

• Ignore Your Body: The idea of a perfect body is fiction. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. It’s not easy, but working with the body you’ve got is a crucial part of improving your sex life. Get out of your head and into your body! Lots of sex surveys reveal that guys are not complaining about the size of their partner’s rear end. By the time a man wants to sleep with a woman, he finds her attractive. People struggle to get fully in their bodies. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy what is being shared sexually. Learn to massage and be massaged. (You can find several sensual touch exercises in Chapter 5 of Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine).  This kind of touching can help the body put down its armor.

 

• Grow Up, Get Serious:  Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play we engaged in when we were kids. (Innuits of Alaska call sex “laughing time”!) If you make sex just one more thing that’s serious and routine, you lose much of the power and the magic of sex! Remember to occasionally use eye contact as you pleasure each other.

 

• Let Fear be Your Guide: Sex can be scary … in part because sex demands that we give up control and expose ourselves. Thus, many don’t talk about their desires, don’t tell their partners what they really want to do. If you’re in a safe relationship where there is trust, fear doesn’t have to be your guide.

 

Dr. Ashley is interesting and fun! She plans to return on the 7th of February to talk about putting more romance into your relationship! Stay tuned

Love, Lust & Laughter - 12.20.22

JOY & STRESS – IT’S THE HOLIDAYS!   Dr. Carol Queen’s Good Vibrations platform allows her to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. There is an abundance of sex education in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol enjoyed a conversation about joys and stressors over the holidays. To have more joy, we need to manage our stress better!

 

The mind-body approach – the brain is locked in an intricate embrace with the body. It turns out the body has a big say in what we do and who we are. Information flows into the brain not only through all our senses but also from the vagus nerve as it snakes past all our organs, especially the gut. The vagus offers a pathway for healing the mind through the body.

 

Deep breathing practices of mindfulness can create an inner state of calm. Like most organs, our lungs are on autopilot, but we can take the wheel. Deep breathing for a minute or so recruits the vagus to send an all-clear signal to the brain. In doing so, the heart slows, the blood vessels relax, and the gut contractions smooth out. The gut, sometimes called the “second brain,” is home to trillions of microbes (composing the microbiome). An unbalanced gut microbiome, often a consequence of the standard American diet, is a potent source of inflammation and this can lead to major depression and anxiety.

 

Self-Compassion is better than self-esteem! An analysis of 14 studies found that people high in self-compassion were less vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and stress. When you see yourself clearly – both positive and negative traits – you can more easily cope with setbacks and mistakes. Self-compassion means treating yourself in the same way you would treat a treasured friend. Some people feel they need self-criticism to motivate themselves. Rather than motivating, it makes people feel anxious, incompetent, and depressed.

 

Relieving stress through sex.  Sex toys can be fun and can spice up a relationship! Dr. Carol has talked to men wanting to buy a sex toy for a partner. Dr. Carol will ask, “Have you talked to your lover?”  The answer is often, “No.” Communication is essential!

 

Buying a gift card at Good Vibrations or Babeland is a safe bet. Then you can make it part of a Date Night. Visit the store together and ask questions of a well-informed staff member. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana had a lively discussion about clit-sucking toys, mutual masturbation, and reading erotica.

 

 

Love, Lust & Laughter - 11.22.22

 

Dr. Carol Queen Is a “Cultural Sexologist” – Politically And Socially

 

She is the Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

 

The midterms revealed notable pro-choice outcomes. Abortion is healthcare and bodily autonomy is a human right! There is a long history of criminalizing bodily autonomy, especially for Black, Indigenous, working class, and trans people. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed the various culture war issues.

 

Bay Area activist Carol Leigh (1951-2022), also known as The Scarlot Harlot, died earlier this month. Her legacy in the area of sex work activism is substantial. She defined sex work as a labor issue, not a crime, not a sin. The job is done by a million people in this country who are stigmatized and criminalized by working to support their families. Carol Leigh coined the term “sex work” and said, “I wanted to create an atmosphere of tolerance within and outside the women’s movement for women working in the sex industry.”

 

The Holidays are coming … Will you gift sex toys? Tune in to hear Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol discuss guidelines for appropriate gift selections.

 

Dr. Carol will return to “Love, Lust and Laughter” December 13, 2022. Tune in then – and listen to today’s show – a provocative, informative broadcast!

Love, Lust & Laughter - 10.25.22

LOVE AFTER LOSS – Becoming Capable of Intimacy and Laughter Again

 

Dr. Lori Buckley, my friend and colleague of nearly 20 years, is the perfect guest to explore this topic. She and I have some parallels on our life paths. We are both Sex Therapists who have narrated sex education videos for The Sinclair Institute – including Great Sex for a Lifetime. We’ve both been divorced and widowed and remarried – me four+ years ago, she in 19 days! We both moved out of L.A. – hoping for a more simpatico male dating pool, among other reasons. Big surprise – Los Angeles has more than its share of narcissistic men!

 

(Note: although the following stories are written from the perspective of women dating men, the advice is generally applicable to any gender dating any gender.) Beware of the man who doesn’t ask any questions about you on the first date. These guys are probably very narcissistic. Me. Me. Me. But it can’t be all about him when it comes to relationships. Besides, he may hold idea that I will find someone who makes me happy. Since happiness is an inside job, the relationship fails. If your new date is only talking about himself, you may be watching him talk about the only person who interests him: himself.

 

After loss, Dr. Lori asks the question, How do I move forward? First, it’s important to figure out what you really want. How do I navigate relationships and love? How do I navigate my sexuality after losing a beloved partner?

 

To figure out what you really want, you may need to give it three dates. If you don’t feel “chemistry” at first, please remember that chemistry doesn’t (usually) last. Attraction is important, but if someone meets your needs, you may find the attraction follows.

 

It helps to know your deal-breakers -- for example, smoking. Most people focus on wants: hot, funny. You may find the right one when you focus on needs: communication, mutual respect.

 

Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana discussed common fears in dating the second time around. One fear is that first dates will be awkward. Sure, they can be – but they can also be interesting and fun! In addition to talking about mutual interests, ask lighthearted questions that delve beneath the surface. Examples: What was your favorite toy when growing up? What would you love to do if there were no constraints? What’s the best advice anyone ever gave you? If your house were on fire, what’s the first thing you would grab to save?

 

Another fear is that there will be a lot of losers out there. The reality is that your attitude has the biggest impact on your satisfaction with dating and your ability to meet compatible people. Often promoted by popular media is the idea that single men are inept or self-centered and that women are confused or impossible to please. Of course, the truth is that many men are capable and loving. Many women are straightforward and agreeable.

 

You can assess a person’s character by paying attention to the person’s actions as well as words. Look for evidence of kindness, respect, integrity, emotional generosity, and responsibility. Does he show up on time? How does he treat the staff at a café? Does he put away his cell phone during dates and give you full attention? When the subject of past relationships comes up, does he dwell on his ex’s negative traits? What did he learn from his last relationship?

 

Will he want sex right away is another fear. Plenty of people don’t mind waiting -- and someone who is right for you will respect your boundaries. You might say, “I’m attracted to you, but I want to slow this down” … “I don’t have sex with someone this soon, so for now why don’t we just kiss and cuddle?”

 

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to finding love in midlife and beyond is staying home. Move those fears aside, and get out there and date!

 

Both Dr. Lori and I are similar in this way, too: we’ve danced our dreams awake with a special man. She has Harry, I have Bryan. I can honestly say my connection with my husband is one of fun, sizzle, and ever-deepening intimacy. We are two experienced people who have a past, yet everything is still possible! Dr. Lori agrees with me. Tune in for some fascinating details.

 

Also check out Dr. Lori’s product web site Stuff of Love.

Love, Lust & Laughter - 09.06.22

Parenting, Anxiety and Differentiation of Self: What does Sex Have to Do With It?

 

Dr. Diana and her guest, Dr. Ashley Mader, reflected on the anxious times we are living in, where stress can either be an accelerator for sexual intimacy or a brake for it. The better differentiated each partner is, the better they can communicate their desires (or lack thereof). Differentiation involves learning to balance your individuality (separateness) with your emotional connection to someone else (togetherness). For some, there is a loss of self – especially in anxious times. “Me Time” is essential. You can’t feel sexy with someone else if you don’t feel sensual and relaxed alone. For one client, a way to hold onto herself was to go to a hotel alone for 24 hours to decompress and sooth her anxiety. This was a time for enlightened selfishness!

 

NOTE: Dr. Ashley Mader will discuss this topic at the upcoming conference PARENTING DURING ANXIOUS TIMES (www.TheBowenCenter.org) September 30,2022, 9:30-3:30 EDT.

 

Most women with low sexual desire want to want. Female sexuality is often contextual. Women can lose desire quickly when they don’t feel the right motivation. But because female desire is highly responsive to environment, it can also be ignited. As sex therapists, both Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana hear couples say, “We love each other very much, but we have no sex. There is too much stress.” They feel like they’re living with a roommate and they start to desexualize each other.

 

Dr. Ashley says how important it is to create Sexy Time. Be sensuous with all your senses: seeing, hearing, feelings, and smelling keep us alive. They also feed and nourish romance and eroticism! Watch some sexy films, play sexy games, read erotica to each other. Schedule a Date Night, ending early enough to get home and have sex. Buy some pretty lingerie … Sometimes the hardest person to seduce is yourself.

 

What about parenting in these anxious times? It’s common for anxiety to be projected onto the child. A depressive marriage is grim for both adults and children. Children with a depressed parent are, on average, more likely to have behavioral and academic problems (even lower IQs!). To survive happily as couples, they need to place a higher priority on sex and erect boundaries to protect their intimacy.

Love, Lust, and Laughter - 08.16.22

NRE – New Relationship Energy. How To Keep It Going!

 

Therapist Dr. Ashley Mader – www.OurShine.org – sees clients who experiencing the euphoria of new relationship energy—NRE—as well as clients in the process of separation or divorce and wondering how they got there. Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana have similar cases in their practices; so, a lively conversation ensued!

 

As with many things, the brain is involved, providing a biological reaction. In the early days of the relationship, the brain is pumping out dopamine, which plays a role in arousal and seeking out rewards. You’re focused on your partner and it builds the infatuation. Over time, oxytocin takes over, which promotes bonding and feelings of comfort. In the early days couples may feel like they’re on speed – later it may feel like they’re on an anti-depressant.

 

Michael Castleman, author and Psychology Today contributor, writes about dopamine, saying, “Novelty is a nutrient that nourishes relationships and enhances sex.” Couples that want to keep the NRE high need to trick the brain in producing more dopamine. Play out sexual fantasies – taking on new roles. Go to a hotel. It hits a lot of the stimuli checklist – new, different, a little danger/taboo if there’s a semi-private balcony. At its most basic, it’s away from home. There’s no pile of laundry that can highjack a partner’s mind. Good sex requires a person to be present; removing distractions gives that a chance.

 

Being fully present can be assisted by breathing. Dr. Ashley suggests putting your hands on the top of your head, fingers interlaced, eyes closed and breathing in and out slowly.

 

Other times a “thoughtful distance” is necessary: a time-out, a girls’ trip, maybe time to contemplate, Who am I?

 

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. This is accomplished with L.A.T. – Living Apart Together. Many couples who begin relationships later in life are keeping separate homes because they cherish private space and financial independence. This gives dopamine a chance to be in play because the couple can anticipate the emotional and physical intimacy! Building anticipation is its own aphrodisiac … which keeps the NRE freely flowing!

 

In therapy often couples discover hidden issues with control. This usually means that they need to feel more cared for and loved. Rather than getting involved in a power struggle, they can ask for what they need in a positive way. Partners who learn to say “yes” more often begin to see things from their partner’s point of view, as a result, are happier. Listening with curiosity is always a good idea!

 

NRE depends on having sex with your spouse! We want one who wants to have sex with us. The need to be desired is as important as the sex itself. Talk to your partner about sex and share how your needs may have changed over time. Be open and vulnerable when communicating – as well as kind and forgiving when misunderstandings occur.

 

Finally, consider this if you are contemplating a separation or divorce: “Remember, you had what it took to fall in love; it’s entirely possible you have what it takes to stay there!”

Love, Lust and Laughter - 07.26.22

Funny, Irreverent, Intelligent Sex Educator and Author Of Guide To Getting It On

 

Dr. Diana welcomed Dr. Paul Joannides, the author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th edition. This is what Dr. Diana wrote in her book Love in the Time of Corona, Chapter 8 – Learn More About Sex: “Guide to Getting It On is the first book I recommend to my clients. It’s possibly the best book ever written about sex. This comprehensive book is a fun read, filled with entertaining illustrations and detailed, hands-on information about all kinds of sexual practices … Rolling Stone Magazine called it “the only sex manual you’ll ever need!”

 

Dr. Paul has great blogs on his website www.GuideToGettingItOn.com and Psychology Today. He asks two questions in his blog Redefining Sex Education: “How do we deliver sex education to today’s teens and young adults on their turf and in ways they consume information? And, how do we make sex education effective for people whose main source of sex education is porn? It’s true, sex education today needs to help with the distortions of porn.”

 

A huge obstacle to any sex educator is that they are often not allowed to discuss sexual pleasure.  Dr. Paul laments that there is also no talk about women’s orgasms, and the importance of learning to tell a partner what feels good and what doesn’t. He warns that if we don’t make pleasure the cornerstone of sex education, nobody is going to listen.

 

Another blog entry is titled Access to Porn and Information About Sex Has Changed. Dr. Paul states that the average 8 to 10 year old has easy access to highly explicit images about sex. Misinformation leads to assumptions that this is how people really have sex (no kissing, no tenderness, no talking).

 

Dr. Paul spoke about giving a lecture on sex to 600 students at a major west coast university. Two of the students lingered afterwards, holding hands. The young woman said, “I can’t thank you enough for your talk. It’s going to make a big difference in my sex life.” And her male partner said, “Me too.” Women need to know that it can take up to 20 minutes or more of kissing, caressing, and fooling around with a partner before they are ready to have intercourse. In other words: foreplay! The young man assumed he had premature ejaculation and was glad to hear his lasting 8 to 10 minutes was above 1 to 2 minutes considered to be P.E.  Dr. Paul wonders how it is that we have done such a terrible job of providing competent sex education to young adults?

 

Please listen to hear Dr. Paul talking about his new project focusing on young men. How to reach them? Stay tuned because he promises to return in 3-4 months to discuss the outcomes.

Dr. Paul Joannides wrote a world-class sex manual. This is not surprising -- because Paul is a world-class human being!

 

 

Love, Lust and Laughter - 07.05.22

Integrating Mind & Body and Past & Present for More Pleasurable Sex

 

Stella Resnick, PhD, has been a friend and mentor for thirty years. At a May 2, 1992 meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (informally known as “Quad S”), Dr. Stella spoke about Actualizing Sexual Potential, asking “How good can sex get?” New to the field, I was immediately enthralled by my colleague who focused on pleasure!  

 

In this episode, Dr. Stella and I covered a range of topics, highlighting some of her significant contributions to the understanding of the role of pleasure in healthy sexuality.

 

Attachment, Attunement and Sexuality

Attachment is how we bond; it is programmed in us from day one! The mother and infant are wired to connect; and this is foundational for his/her development. The baby automatically mimics the facial expressions of mother. If the child is wanted and born of a happy marriage, the mother smiles and looks into its eyes deeply. If, on the other hand, the baby looks like the dad … a man she dislikes … her eyes may narrow as she frowns. This is instant messaging – a body-to-body transference, and it can be intergenerational. If mother was traumatized, she likely has anxious or avoidant attachment.

 

As Dr. Stella said in her first book, The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings & How to Let Go and Be Happy, “Intercourse is not the main event.” There is so much sensual pleasure to enjoy all over the body! Use all five senses; for example, really taste the kisses. Scent is the key when we smell our clean partner.

 

Sex and the Science of Mind-Reading – Empathy and the Sex Drive

Discussions of sex play, mutual regulation, dysregulation, understanding or misinterpreting the other’s signals … and sexual inter-neurobiology. We feel the other and want a “lubricated process.” Bodies are in tacit communication … If you’re in your head, you’re not in your body. Or, as Fritz Perls said, “Lose your mind and come to your senses.” Body attunement enhances empathy … discovering yourself in another’s presence.

 

The principle of Relaxed Excitement: the secret of great sex and success in everything is to be excited, stimulated and relaxed at the same time.

 

The ABCs of Romance: breathing together, eye contact, smiling, and kissing.

 

This is a fascinating show! Dr. Resnick has much experiential wisdom, backed by her Gestalt orientation and endowed by contemporary neurobiology. She invites all to experience a greater, more playful, more creative form of love!

 

Go to www.DrStellaResnick.com where you’ll find information about her three books The Pleasure Zone, The Heart of Desire, and Body-to-Body Intimacy. In addition, her Embodiment Exercises help to get in touch with feelings and release tension or numbness in your body.

 

Finally, a quote from Dr. Stella’s 1988 SELF magazine “Sex without Sex”: “When pleasure is made a priority and sexual energy is channeled wisely and lovingly, you can know a new ease and joy in your intimate relationships.”