A PRE-VALENTINE SHOW – with a focus on SENIOR SEX

 

Michael Jonas knows all about romance! He and his wife Barbara were voted “Most Romantic Couple” years ago in People magazine. Michael smiles and reports that he and his wife of 58 years are “far more in love now.”

 

They launched their first game in 1981 – An Enchanting Evening – and other games have followed. Romance & Intimacy and Dating & Conversation games have sold well: 950,000 hard-copies. Now they’re available in a downloadable format – www.TimeforTwo.com.

 

Dr. Diana has known the Jonas’ for 30 years, and loves their games -- especially An Enchanting Evening.  The game helps start conversations … then, sexual activity!

 

Michael Jonas and Dr. Diana discussed characteristics of long-term lovers. They can be hot and warm: flying high on dopamine (novelty comes with exploring/experimentation), while also floating in a warm bath of bonding. There may be lots of emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch, and erotic exploration. Security often leads to good sex. As we grow somewhat more dependent, we may feel more vulnerable. Ongoing passion requires security; in fact, if you have the slightest amount of fear, your brain can shut down your arousal. Partners who develop a strong sense of attachment can be years into the relationship and still find the sex is infinitely pleasurable. Excitement can evoke desire! Fun and challenging activities support a lasting libido.

 

Older women can better ask for what they want in bed. She is more assertive. Michael talks about leaving your ego in a drawer … men often have performance issues, women body anxiety issues.  

 

The biggest challenge for all of us as we age is maintaining good health and a positive attitude. Regarding the latter – be open to new experiences, erotic thoughts, and laughing with your lover! Playfully tease visually and verbally to create and heighten sexual desire. Playing the games offered on www.TimeforTwo will jumpstart a romantic Valentine’s Day!  

 

Also, get the free download of Dr. Diana's Guide to Planning your 2022 Valentine's Date Night at Home.

 

Dr. Lori Buckley knows all about sex toys! On her Stuff of Love website, you will find many toys she has researched and tested. There are other products, including CPR: Connection, Passion and Romance, a card deck game and conversation starter created by Dr. Lori. For example, a “Romance” card suggests – Gaze into your partner’s eyes and tell them all the things you love about them. Dr. Diana recommends a version of this called “Soul Gazing.” Sitting about two feet from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to see into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw. Games of romance, like CPR, can be used for a couple’s play date.

Fluent in Italian, Dr. Lori will return to Italy this year in March. She loves the sensuality, the language, and the slower pace in that country. For her, the great resignation of COVID became the great realization: relax, show down, take a walk, enjoy life and the simple things. Last year she even moved to Napa, the Italy of America. The Italians, by Luigi Barzini, proposes that Italians only trust what they can experience: cuisine, opera, fashion, and lovemaking. It’s reported that young men will share with their male friends what brings pleasure to women!

 

Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana also discussed female orgasms. Foreplay is crucial. During all the kissing and caressing, the nervous system starts taking notes and fires feel-good messages though the web of nerves that weave their way through your pelvis and up to your brain. This early stage is where a lot of women get tripped up because they can’t silence the voices in their heads (When was the last time I had a bikini wax? Am I prepared for that 8 am meeting?) long enough to focus on the sensations. To keep your mind from wandering, it’s helpful to zero in on one of your senses: focus on the smell of his skin, relish the feeling of his hands on your body, concentrate on how he tastes while you’re kissing. When you’re turned on, your nerves communicate to your brain that it’s time to increase blood flow. The more engorged you are, the more sensitive you become to his touch. You feel safe and free to really let go! Besides being more in the moment, slow down. Ahhh, Orgasms!!!

 

Dr. Lori Buckley’s YouTube Channel has 70 videos. Her book 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship offers more help. Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana are long-time friends … tune in to listen to their explicit conversations!

 

Dr. Lori Buckley on Decisions for 2022 (and Remembering Betty White)

 

Sex therapist Dr. Lori Buckley returned to discuss decisions we can make in 2022, a subject she is familiar with. Her book—21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship—guides you in making key choices to enhance your pleasure and develop a more intimate connection with a partner.

 

But first, Dr. Diana and Dr. Lori looked at lessons we can learn from the life of beloved actress Betty White, who died on December 31, just a few weeks shy of her 100th birthday. How can we stay Golden? The first lady of television captured unique humor, timeless wisdom, and impish irreverence in The Golden GirlsThe Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Hot in Cleveland, among others. Wendie Malick, one of Betty’s co-stars on Hot in Cleveland said, “We were so fortunate to have a mentor like her to show us that it ‘ain’t over until it’s over.’ She gave me the courage to go into my third act.” Betty White recalled that she was born a cockeyed optimist, and that she got it from her mother. Betty always found the positive! She seemed utterly approachable, a woman whose warmth seemed to reach out to us.

 

Ahhh … but there was also the bawdy side of Betty. Ryan Reynolds, who played her grandson in the 2009 film The Proposal, said of her jokingly, “a typical Capricorn. Sleeps all day. Out all night boozing and snacking on men.” According to Betty, you’re never too old for sexual desire. “I don’t have a fella, but if Allen [her late beloved husband] – or Robert Redford – were around, we’d have a very active sex life,” she told AARP in 2010 at the age of eighty-eight. “Sexual desire is like aging – a lot of it’s up here (points to her head).”

 

Dr. Lori spoke about her book 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy RelationshipWhy are decisions different? She explains, “A decision is not something you merely think about. It’s something you actually do.” Fear of failing actually keeps people from trying; that’s too bad, because we can learn so much from our failures. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Lori and Diana practiced this by taking risks over the years, mostly in their 20s and 30s. Eventually, it became easier to embrace change. Dr. Lori spoke about her decision last year to move to Napa, where she knew no one. In 2008, Dr. Diana moved to Seattle, where she also knew no one. Dr. Lori emphasizes how important it is to be clear about what one really wants. (You can find lots more from Dr. Lori at her Stuff of Love online store and her Stuff of Love YouTube Channel.)

 

One final reflection on Betty White: people will remember her as a good person. People will remember how she made them feel – as they laughed. Betty White was quick-witted, aged successfully, and was so universally admired!

 

Intentional Pleasure with Masturbation & Vibrators

 

Masturbation is a touchy area! Dr. Carol Queen informs and entertains as she talks about masturbation and vibrators. She is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. She is also the historian and curator of GV’s Antique Vibrator Museum in San Francisco. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This is the ultimate how-to, why-to, what-to book about sex!

 

Dr. Carol the Historian: Masturbation therapy for women is not altogether new. Genital massage was a common medical treatment for sexually frustrated women going all the way back to Hippocrates’ day. At the time, the doctors lacked batteries and so had to make do with fingers (or, often, those of a midwife). Electricity came along and by 1917 there were more electric vibrators than there were appliances! “Pelvic massage” for hysteria persisted all the way through the Victorian era and into the twentieth century. As a medical diagnosis, “hysteria” was removed from the DSM in 1980.

 

Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed pleasure – our birthright – and how little focus there is on it in our sex education, in our culture, and among our medical practitioners. Because there is little attention to pleasure, arousal is not addressed. Sex toys can really assist with arousal! Excitement is higher partly because there is more blood flow to the genitals. The group of toys called the “clit suckers” are really HOT, and amp up the intensity! 

 

2022 is just around the corner. What are your sexual intentionsThe Sex and Pleasure Book ends with this:  “Forty years ago Good Vibrations dreamed of a radical life where pleasure was your birthright.  …  (you) desperately want to experience their authentic sexual selves … What do you think the future of sex will be? How do you see your own sexual future?”

 

A Chat With Barbi Benton

 

Barbi Benton and I have been good friends for 23 years, and this show focused on Barbi’s adventurous life! My friend is the real deal … she’s authentic, bright, beautiful, talented and FUN! Perhaps she is most famous for being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend for eight years, more than fifty years ago.

 

We spoke about her childhood in Sacramento where she and another five-year-old—Joan Lunden (of TV anchor fame)—learned and performed the hula. When she moved to Hawaii she joined a hālau hula to learn traditional dance forms. When I lived in Hawaii I watched Barbi dance a “real” hula. She explained they studied the Hawaiian language and learned many meanings to the song. She peeled away the layers, so when she dances, the meaning comes through the face, the body, the hands and feet – from everywhere.

 

Our conversation returned to Hef and the Playboy Era. They met when she danced, at age 18, in the Playboy After Dark television show. Barbi tells the story that when Hef first asked her out on a date, she said, “Gee I don’t know. I’ve never dated anyone over 24 before,” to which Hef, then 42, responded, “That’s all right, neither have I.” She found the Playboy Mansion for him. (Hef bought it for $1.1 million in 1971, and it sold in 2016 for $100 million). Barbi always had a good eye for real estate! She introduced Hef to travel. He bought a plane so that they could arrive fresh to their various European locations. Lots of adventure stories and many interactions with celebrities. Listen for the juicy details!

 

Senior Sexuality

 

Joan Price’s candid, upbeat manner has led the media to dub her a “senior sexpert.”  Dan Savage is among her fans: “Joan Price is one of the smartest thinkers about sex, regardless of your age – or hers!” Joan’s books include Naked at our AgeBetter Than I ExpectedAgeless Erotica, and Sex After Grief.

 

Joan and Dr. Diana spoke of their own “L.A.T.” relationships. L.A.T. – “Living Apart Together” – is a long-term, committed romantic connection without intent to share a home. If not living under the same roof, date night anticipation can heighten sexual desire! Cultivating your individuality and personal fulfillment can foster growing intimacy and trust.

 

The conversation then moved to “Sex Toys for Seniors.” Joan has been a sex toy reviewer for 15 years—evaluating each toy from a senior’s perspective. She can offer guidance about how to choose the best one(s)?  What do you do if a partner doesn’t like the sex toy idea? Sex tech has come a long way, and now there are clit-sucking sex toys. They work by using a combination of air, suction, and a little vibration – all to facilitate orgasm! There are lots of juicy bits as Dr. Diana interviews her guest Joan Price. Please listen – no matter your age!

A Tribute to Betty Dodson with Dr. Carol Queen

 

Thanks to Betty Dodson, millions of women have known orgasmic bliss … What a legacy! And there is so much more to Dr. Dodson’s legacy. Exploring all of this with Dr. Carol Queen, author of The Sex & Pleasure Book, was such an enlightening experience! As someone who was mentored by Betty, Dr. Carol just returned from New York City where she participated in the memorial for her at the Museum of SexBetty died last year on Halloween at the age of 91. The museum has a wing devoted to BAD (Betty A. Dodson), her art, sex education, and videos. Indeed, she has been one of the most important voices for women’s sexual pleasure and health for more than five decades. She spoke about Western civilization’s war on female sexual pleasure. Betty promoted pleasure as one of the main drivers of sexual arousal and personal well-being.

 

BAD’s first book, Liberating Masturbation (1974, out of print) became a feminist classic. Her book Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving (reissued 1996) sold over a million copies. In 2007, Betty teamed up with Carlin Ross to develop a new website www.DodsonandRoss.com. The two women based their content on questions asked from people around the world. Her Bodysex Workshops taught women how to overcome negative body image, pleasure anxiety, ignorance, and shame. In her book Sex for One, she said, “The most consistent sex will be the love affair you have with yourself. Masturbation will get you through childhood, puberty, romance, marriage and divorce, and it will see you through old age.”

 

Dr. Diana last visited Dr. Betty in 2010 in her NYC apartment. We spoke of her memoir where she reported an actual bird’s visit one night. This was a sacred experience that taught Betty patience to wait until the morning when the bird could have the daylight to see her way out. The bird was a “divine visitor” who offered Betty this message: When the time is right, the light will be there to see your way out. October 31, 2020 was Betty’s time. The light saw her out … leaving some sensual/sexual light behind for those of us who loved and admired her.

 

Sizzling Sex for Life

 

Michael Castleman (www.GreatSexGuidance.com) has answered more than 12,000 sex questions. By listening to this show and buying his latest book Sizzling Sex for Life: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Erotic Pleasure at Any Age, you’ll have all your questions answered. You can also check out his Psychology Today sexuality blog, which has attracted more than 50 million views. This makes Castleman the world’s most popular sex writer!

 

Michael and Diana first discussed how porn is miseducation. He says porn misleads men about themselves, women, and lovemaking. It turns out porn gets a lot wrong, including: everyone is hot to trot all the time; and there is almost no whole-body caressing, and little kissing. They also talked about sex that is not penis-centered but more whole-body, sensuality focused. It really helps to have at least 20 minutes of non-genital play, including massage, before penetration. Trading foot massages can be so enjoyable … and healthy!

 

Although you won’t hear much about this from the sex-negative crowd, Michael and Diana discussed the many healing benefit of sex, both solo and partnered. These include:

 

  • Relaxation is at the top of the list. Castleman points out that orgasm is deeply relaxing, and that deep relaxation helps treat many potentially serious conditions: anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Regular sex offers similar benefits.
  • Pain relief comes because sex is distracting and it releases endorphins, the body’s natural analgesic. In addition, sex is exercise. One of the nation’s leading causes of chronic pain is osteoarthritis. The Arthritis Foundation recommends regular sex.
  • Prostate cancer prevention is an important health benefit. Frequent ejaculations, solo or with a partner, help clear germs from a man’s genitourinary tract.
  • Sex makes you happier. It’s no secret that people get a smile on their face after having sex. Research shows that the release of DHEA during sex provides a natural anti-depressant and mood enhancer. Some studies show that regular sex can be as much as 10 times more effective than traditional prescription anti-depressants. The fountain of youth can be found between the sheets!

 

Michael Castleman’s Sizzling Sex for Life is completely evidence-based, citing some 2,500 studies.  His advice is often imbued with humor and compassion! To quote Dr. Eli Coleman: “The most practical, authoritative, and comprehensive sexuality guide ever written.” You are well advised to buy this book to learn everything you need to maximize your erotic pleasure at any age!

 

Narcissism and Relationships

 

If a narcissist is part of your life—as a spouse, partner, lover—you may need a game plan to survive. Dr. Linda De Villers, author of author of Love Skills and Simple Sexy Food, joined Dr. Diana again. This time the two friends and sex therapists spoke about overt and covert narcissism in men. The overt narcissist is more extraverted; perhaps he needs to be the center of attention or maybe he’s an entitled playboy. The covert narcissist is more introverted; he is more subtle, but still craves admiration and importance.

 

What about childhood influences? A solid sense of self is the bedrock for life. Freud theorized—and modern research has confirmed—that this sense of who you are develops between the ages of one and three. That’s when the small child comes to understand that he is important, but not the center of the universe. If a parent is too indulgent or self-absorbed to give what is needed, the sense of self may be stunted.

 

Who’s a narcissist? It’s true: most of us act selfishly at times. But we psychotherapists consider a person “narcissistic” when the following kinds of behavior are persistent and pervasive: shamelessness, entitlement, arrogance, exploitation, and poor boundaries.

 

How about living with a narcissist? Good relationships are based on reciprocity: you listen attentively and empathetically to the other person’s joys and sorrows, and vice versa. With a narcissist, it’s a one-way street. Researchers have found that narcissism is closely tied to perfectionism, making narcissists extremely demanding and hypercritical of others.

 

What about sexual narcissism? In the bedroom these guys require constant stroking (of the ego, primarily), and they tend not to be generous lovers. Another sign of sexual narcissism in both men and (some) women is a compulsive need for new conquests. He needs praise from lots of women. The narcissist may have trouble working on relationships once they get beyond the first, blissful stage of falling in love. They don’t want to think about improving things; they only want to hear how wonderful they are.

 

Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana agree that maybe the best way to identify narcissists is how they make you feel. They can be masters at off-loading onto others the emotions they can’t handle, such as their shame, their rage, their inadequacy. It may be hard to stay in a narcissistic relationship for a long time. It’s necessary to realize that no amount of effort on your part is going to fill these narcissists up, to complete them as human beings.

 

Do you need some expert advice about narcissism and relationships? Go to the Dear Dr. Diana website to submit your question.

World Sexual Health Day

 

Dr. Lori Buckley (www.drloribuckley.com) and Dr. Diana looked at how sexual pleasure can be profoundly healing and very good for our overall health. Sex drive decreases gradually with age in most men and women, but women are two to three times more likely to be affected by a decline in sex drive as they age. Many women just don’t have the energy to rekindle the flame of passion. An estimated 40 million American women struggle with diminished libido, and additional data suggests that up to 63% of women experience some degree of sexual dysfunction during their lives. Low sexual desire is their most frequent concern.

 

The two sex therapists had a lively and often personal discussion of what to doHormones were the centerpiece of their discussion. It’s essential that you do thorough research to find the right, experienced doctor for such an individual decision. For many women, including the host and her guest, Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy – BHRT – is the answer. Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone especially affect our sexuality, intimately shaping our experiences of love, attraction, and arousal. Dr. Lori’s phrase: “Stay juicy and jazzed”!

 

Testosterone is Dr. Diana’s favorite hormone because it’s so vital to inspiring and maintaining those two states! Testosterone, with the assistance of estrogen, stimulates nerve receptors in your brain, igniting your pleasure circuitry and setting sexual feelings and arousal in motion. More good news: testosterone can give an added jolt to your sexuality by increasing your clitoris’s sensitivity to touch. Testosterone can also increase your sense of wellbeing. Research has shown that “t” plays a role in modulating the actions of dopamine, a brain chemical that allows you to feel joy and pleasure. When women have deficient dopamine, they often experience a low sex drive as well as feelings of hopelessness and decreased ability to handle stress.

 

The information in this show can dramatically improve your quality of life. And you can benefit from dozens of suggestions and exercises in Dr. Diana’s book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. It’s true … sex can definitely improve your appearance and your relationship!  

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »

Podbean App

Play this podcast on Podbean App