Love, Lust, and Laughter

Love, Lust and Laughter - 11.24.20

Michael Castleman has answered more than 12,000 sex questions throughout his career: on his Great Sex Guidance website, through his “All About Sex” blog on Psychology Today (where he reviewed Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona), and during the 1990s on the Playboy Advisor column. Michael and Dr. Diana first discussed the upcoming Thanksgiving—a very different one this year in the midst of the pandemic. Many have recalibrated their plans to keep themselves and their loved ones safe in the midst of all the uncertainty. But crisis can create opportunities. One of the best remedies for COVID stress is massage. Michael calls it a nutrient you get through the skin. If you don’t have a partner, self-massage and solo-sex are helpful. A couple may feel deprived of touching loved ones outside their household (hugging grandchildren comes to mind!). Many partners are turning to each other and getting into massage; some view sex as less about intercourse and more about touch. Shoulder and neck massages relieve tension and promote relaxation.

 

Castleman’s new book Sizzling Sex for Life: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Erotic Pleasure at Any Age

will be published in January, and is available for pre-order on Amazon. This book, which took three years to write, incorporates source material from 2,500 studies published over the past seventy years. He delves into many social/political/sexual issues. Michael and Dr. Diana discussed two of these: sex education and pornography. Another topic, couples therapy, revealed that the most common presenting problem is a difference in levels of desire. After a while, “sex becomes less like the Fourth of July and more like Thanksgiving.” Library Journal calls Michael Castleman “one of the nation’s top health writers.” Dr. Diana calls him one of her very best radio guests in the last ten years!    

Love, Lust and Laughter - 11.11.20

Dr. Diana Wiley and Dr. Mark Schoen paid tribute to Betty Dodson, Ph.D., a sexual revolutionary known as the “Mother of Masturbation.” Betty died on Halloween at the age of 91. Dr. Diana and Dr. Mark knew Betty personally and agree that her promotion of sexual pleasure was a huge part of her legacy. In her radical Bodysex workshops, Betty taught women how to overcome negative body image and pleasure anxiety. These were also spaces where many women had their first orgasms. Through her books, videos and art, millions of women have known orgasmic bliss! 

 

Mark Schoen is a filmmaker who made an award-winning documentary “Betty Dodson: Her Life of Sex and Art.” For a limited time, folks can view this free on Mark’s website www.SexSmartFilms.com. In the documentary Betty reveals her history through the images of her art and teaches as she entertains. Betty had her first one-woman show of erotic art in 1968 in New York City followed by others. She was interviewed on many television shows from the 1970s to the present, and was recently named number 43 of the 100 most important people in sex by Playboy Magazine.

 

In the Epilogue of Betty’s 2010 book My Sexual Revolution she reported that an actual little bird visited to her apartment one night. This was a sacred experience that taught Betty patience to wait until the morning when the bird could have daylight to see her way out. The bird was a “divine visitor” who offered Betty this message: When the time is right, the light will be there to see your way out. October 31st was Betty’s time. The light saw her out … leaving some sensual/sexual light behind for those of us who loved and admired her.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 10.29.20

With so many people stressed out and hemmed in, how can we learn more about HEALING—and experience some of the pandemic’s silver linings? Dr. Ava Cadell is the founder of Loveology University, which provides certified online love coaching and relationship programs, empowering people all over the world. Dr. Ava is Dr. Diana’s good friend and colleague of almost twenty years. She spoke about Dr. Ava’s seven-hour Healing Course now available with loving solutions for how to heal from the loss of a loved one, loss of home or health, fear from the coronavirus, toxic relationships, sexual trauma and more. One solution is more laughter, including laughter yoga, a natural stress buster! It’s like a form of internal jogging, and what a nice way to exercise the heart and boost the mood. The Healing Course also covers water therapy, music therapy, meditation, animal therapy, gratitude journaling, and sexual healing. (You can also access Dr. Ava’s free YouTube mediations online.)

 

Dr. Ava points out that sex is our second instinct after survival. With all the coronavirus fear, stress and anxiety, it is hard to surrender to sex. (See Dr. Diana’s recent book—Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine—for lots of guidance about how to strengthen your relationships during the pandemic.) In general, a person has to find new positive ways of relating to sex, revisit and bring resolution to past sexual traumas, develop a better relationship to their body, and change their thoughts about control and loss of control. Yes, a person has to reclaim their authentic sexuality!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 10.14.20

Sheri Winston knows how to transform anxiety into excitement! As she explains in her book Succulent Sex Craft, anxiety is just excitement without enough breath. How about deepening and slowing down your breathing? Sheri and Dr. Diana conversed more about BREATHING and then focused on TOUCH. Sheri knows about sacred sexual traditions, ways that a couple can get into the same arousal zone, and a lot about anatomy. Both men and women have erectile tissues. The paired internal vestibular bulbs—which are part of the clitoral system and are located under the outer labia—are the real “buried pleasure!”

 

Sheri ventures there is a “Pandemic of Premature Penetration.” One study found that a couple’s average time for foreplay and intercourse was 12 minutes total. When a couple slows down and spends more time sexually engaged, say 30-45 minutes, tissues are engorged, arousal is high, and they may feel like they’re in a deep erotic trance. Then, penetration can feel amazing!

 

Both Sheri and Dr. Diana suggested seeking professional help if a couple is contemplating divorce. Divorce rates are poised to rise. A Washington D.C. area firm reports a 70% increase in inquiries about divorce representation since March. Don’t be in that group. Read Sheri’s books as well as Dr. Diana’s book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine, and really communicate with your partner so that you can go from “Quarantining to Cocooning.” With the pandemic still raging, we need Sheri’s wisdom—dispensed with such an open heart!

Love, Lust and Laughter - 10.06.20

Dr. Diana’s return guest, Dr. Ashley Mader, is well versed in differentiation. It is no surprise that differentiation issues are played out in the sexual area. What is differentiation? It involves learning to balance your individuality (separateness) with your emotional connection to someone else (togetherness). Standing on your own two feet—rather than trying to merge with your partner or lose yourself in love—may lead to the best sex you’ve ever had!

 

Dr. Diana and Dr. Ashley are both experts in aging and sexuality. They spoke about Gail Sheehy’s idea—in her book Passages—that sometime around age 50, the man becomes more romantic and the woman becomes more assertive. We must not mistake genital prime for sexual prime! Dr. David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage focuses on how you don’t work on your marriage; your marriage works on you. Marriage or being in a committed relationship is the ideal arena in which to become clearer about who you are so that you can contribute to and enjoy a better partnership.

 

In addition to conducting her private practice in Amherst, MA, Dr. Ashely is in her third year of graduate school at the Bowen Center at Georgetown University. Dr. Bowen’s philosophy is that we may have unresolved emotional attachment issues with our family of origin. We may have to toggle between our emotional and intellectual selves. Back to Schnarch because this is important: You give up the fantasy that the other person is going to complete you. So your goal changes from getting someone to love you to being someone capable of loving. Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine is especially timely, and can help with this process.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 09.16.20

“Sex Gets Complicated During the Pandemic” is the CNN Health headline. The article was posted on Monday September 14, 2020, and features Dr. Diana and her sex advice book Love in the Time of Corona. The wonderful and articulate Dr. Carol Queen joined the program again. She is the Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist and the author of three books. The most recent is The Sex and Pleasure Book. The sex docs discussed non-sexual/sensate focus/full body caressing exercises. Dr. Carol is an expert on erotic talk: what do you want to say? (Narrate the plots of erotic stories; reminisce about a past sexy encounter; make requests to do specific sexual things). Furthermore, how do you want to say it? (Make a list of your preferred terms for erogenous body parts, and sex acts).

 

The CNN article notes that some are having more intimate, fun sex, and pushing boundaries. One way to do this is to introduce new and different sex toys. The sex toy industry reports a 250% spike in sales, selling more than 1 million toys since March! Dr. Diana’s advice for men in heterosexual relationships is to make friends with the toys. Some men are threatened or intimidated: “Why do you want or need a sex toy except to masturbate?” It’s fun to learn how to use different toys, especially in combination with other ways to stimulate her with your mouth, your hands, and your penis. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed how multiple points of stimulation can enhance the intensity of the orgasm even more! (Google “trigasm.”) These are great ways to reconnect with your partner. This pandemic is a stressful time, but you know what? It doesn’t have to be so stressful on your relationship.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 09.01.20

Once again Dr. Diana’s friend and colleague Dr. Lori Buckley (www.DrLoriBuckley.com) joined the show—this time to talk about the importance of play. In Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice From a Sex Therapist for Couples In Quarantine, Chapter 6 is titled “Laugh and Play Together.” Dr. Lori asks her clients, “When was the last time you laughed together?” A great question! Studies show that couples who laugh together last together. Shared laughter has a positive effect on relationship satisfaction. And … laughter can lead the way to play because it’s the sidekick of play. We are absolutely hardwired to play. Actually, all animals in nature play. The best example are dolphins. They survive in a dangerous ocean by making play a priority every day, and they allow their offspring to play. They form protective circles so their young ones can play without worrying about sharks. Human children are masters of play! They just do what they enjoy: drawing, singing songs, building forts or making messes in the kitchen—and go at it with total enthusiasm.

 

Play is not so easy for some adults who feel like they are juggling many responsibilities—made more vivid by the pandemic. But we humans have an innate need for play. Play is vital for problem solving, creativity and joy! People who don’t give themselves time (or permission) to play are more likely to be anxious and depressed, experience less optimism, and may be more susceptible to unhealthy behaviors, like avoiding exercise or excessive drinking. Dr. Lori’s website www.StuffofLove.com features lots of ways to promote play! You will find a game Dr. Lori created: “CPR for Love” (Connection, Passion, Romance) with creative questions that will stimulate sexy conversations. The sex toys featured are selected and test-driven by Dr. Lori. Her product “Luv My Vulva,” when massaged into the vulva, can have an arousing, tingling effect. If you go to her website you’ll see that for all of September you will get 15% off: use Discount Code – LLLsave15. Tune into the program because Dr. Diana and Dr. Lori have lots of ideas for rekindling or increasing your sense of play!  

Love, Lust and Laughter - 08.19.20

Dr. Ashley Mader (www.OurShine.org) and Dr. Diana explored the connection between cannabis and sex, and whether cannabis might be right for you, the risks and rewards, and some dos and don’ts. In Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona, the value of being silly, playful, and in the moment are keys to a more enjoyable sensual and sexual connection with your partner. Of course, you don’t have to be high on cannabis to act silly or playful, but it can help some people to loosen up. It’s important to know the law and practice informed consent. In Dr. Ashley’s practice in Massachusetts she has clients from 18 to 80 years of age, and more than half of them use pot in some form – for pleasure, for sleep, to alleviate anxiety/stress, and for medicine, perhaps to relieve pain. She mentioned a study by Dr. Becky Lynn, St. Louis University, where women reported better orgasms when high. This can serve to strengthen the couple’s bond. The feelings of euphoria generated by cannabis often lead to a sense of playfulness and may lower inhibitions, allowing for your playful self to emerge. This can be a journey of discovery: there is no set pathway for learning how to navigate this new territory; there is no destination to aim for. The bottom line is that sex is fun … it’s adult playtime for pleasure-positive experiences! There is more at www.DearDrDiana.com.

Love, Lust and Laughter - 08.05.20

Keeping sex alive for life! Dr. Diana is a gerontologist and was joined by Dr. Ashley Mader (www.OurShine.org) who focuses on older adult sexuality (as she did in her Ph.D. dissertation). Dr. Diana worked with Dr. Walter Bortz, MD (author of Dare to Be 100) in the early 1990s on aging and sexuality studies, and was later published in medical journals. Both Dr. Diana and Dr. Ashley tackled outdated expectations and promoted new ways to celebrate sexuality throughout the later years.

 

Within the COVID-19 crisis, there are new challenges and opportunities. “Pandemic sex” is exciting because being sexual is a reminder that one is still alive and feeling so alive! Making the most of the lockdown can deepen a (senior) sex relationship and offer health benefits as well. Putting sex on the calendar, keeping it playful, using mindfulness, incorporating fantasy, and how to get going when you don’t feel the urge—all were discussed (and all are detailed in Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona). Dr. Ashley has some older clients who are into kink and the poly lifestyle. This brings them more dopamine, the hormone of arousal! Novelty stimulates the release of dopamine, so, change the pattern, change the place, change your approach, change your response, change your style. Tune in for more details! Dr. Ashley will return to the program August 18th when the topic of cannabis and sex will be explored.  

Love Lust And Laughter - 07.22.20

Is quarantining getting you down? So many couples (and individuals) are depressed, distracted, and even angry. Couples may feel they are stuck together … but, still they want to stick together. Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana to the rescue! Besides Zooming with therapy clients, they both enjoy learning, writing, and talking about sex. It is their favorite subject and driving passion!  Sexual pleasure is healthy and helps manage stress. Dr. Diana’s new book Love in the Time of Corona has guidelines and exercises to help the couple get back on an intimacy track. Dr. Lori’s website www.StuffofLove.com has personally picked and tested sex toys – for her, for him, and for couples.

 

Two products that Dr. Lori created and developed are “CPR FOR LOVE” and “LUV MY VULVA.” CPR stands for Connection, Passion, Romance. For example, here’s a Connection card: Tell your partner three things that you like most about them. A Passion card suggests: Read erotica to your partner while they suck your toes, and a Romance card has this invitation: Take a shower or bath together with music and candles … washing each other’s hair and body. All of this might encourage communication between a couple who’ve stopped talking about sex – and then some action! The “LUV MY VULVA” is a moisturizing cream designed for sensual massage to enhance sexual pleasure alone or with a partner. Dr. Diana reports: It is a fantastic product! Dr. Lori will offer PRN listeners a 10% discount at checkout: Use discount code “CPR 4 Love”.  Listen for all the juicy, helpful details!