Archive for October 2019

Do you want to know some behind the scenes secrets of sex therapists? Listen to this show because Dr. Lori Buckley ( and your host Dr. Diana Wiley ( – two seasoned sex therapists – shared in a lively, informative conversation! First we talked about our backgrounds and how we decided on the specialty of sex therapy. Then we discussed why we love our work so much. We’ve both seen thousands of people – helping them learn what it possible. It is deeply satisfying work and it was fun to share success stories. A good sex therapist will teach the clients to communicate with each other and find solutions as they go along. Often old anger and resentments will dissipate. Sometimes we have to do psychotherapy before we can do sex therapy. Homework/homeplay assignments are exercises that typically include talking, touching and setting up erotic scenarios. A therapist alternates between playing sex detective and sex coach. First, we ask a lot of questions to try to understand the problem, then give suggestions or ideas to try during lovemaking at home. We need to overcome barriers because some people are afraid of exposing themselves, whether physically or emotionally. We also often need to help our clients shake off shame. Some fear that their mates wouldn’t love or respect them if they knew their deepest sexual secrets – unusual turn-ons, colorful histories, long-ago rape or abuse. Partners learn that their secrets no longer control them. When therapy works, when clients begin to relax, to laugh, to have fun – it’s like watching a flower opening!

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Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book “DIVORCE with DECENCY – 5th Edition” is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.”  Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

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