Archive for June 2018

Stephen Snyder, MD, author of “LOVE WORTH MAKING – HOW TO HAVE RIDICULOUSLY GREAT SEX IN A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP” was my guest for a third time. We mainly discussed two core relational concepts: ATTACHMENT and DIFFERENTIATION.  Dr. Snyder speaks of “enactment” where you unconsciously get another person to play a part in a misunderstood drama. Attachment is part of this because a genuinely adored as a child will grow up expecting people to adore them.  This is often described as secure attachment. Someone who felt unloved will often be attracted to partners who don’t love them. People who have anxious attachment style crave intimacy and closeness; but they may have a harder time telling someone what they want and they may withdraw. The avoidants are all about doing things on their own and enjoy calling the shots. They may worry that being committed to someone will mean a loss of independence. When it comes to differentiation, Dr. Snyder first talks about Dr. Murray Bowen who studied families who were “poorly differentiated.” These are families who get wrapped up in each other’s emotions – and so everyone is anxious most of the time. Then he spoke of Harriet Lerner. Her book from 1985 is a classic “The Dance of Anger” and it describes taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being in a relationship. Dr. Diana and her guest then focused on Dr. David Schnarch’s work who says great sex is not about how your body looks or how you position it. It’s about your frame of mind and emotional connection with your partner. He proclaims that you don’t work on your marriage, your marriage works on you because it may well force you to confront yourself and your own issues. There is so much more! Please listen to the podcast and check out  my guest’s websitewww.LoveWorthMaking.com   

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David Steinberg (www.DavidSteinberg.us) writes about The Myths of Monogamy in his book “This Thing We Call Sex.”  Dr. Diana and David spoke about monogamy and affairs – the latter often a fallout of monogamy. The myths include that monogamy is the natural order of things, people who act on desires will be punished, and those who adhere are morally superior. What meaning is attached if one’s partner is attracted to someone else? Often the one who is betrayed, asks, “What’s wrong with me?” Instead, an affair may reflect a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new or lost identity. When we commit to a partner, we commit to a story. Yet we can remain forever curious: What other stories could we have been a part of? Affairs may offer us a view of those other lives…Affairs may be the revenge of the deserted possibilities. We agree that if couples could bring into their marriage, their partnership, one-tenth of the boldness and the playfulness that they bring to their affair, their relationship might feel quite different. David Steinberg is articulate and wise! Please tune-in for a thought provoking program.

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