Veronica Monet, a relationship and sexuality coach – www.TheShameFreeZone.com – returned to the show. She and Dr. Diana discussed sexual harassment. In her twenties, Veronica had some personal experiences with powerful men in Hollywood. Sexual harassment has become normalized, and of course it is an abuse of power. Then there was this topic: How guilt and empathy can save us from shame and low self-esteem. Most folks don’t enjoy feeling guilty; so, why would she encourage us to connect with our guilt in a positive way? In her work, she encourages her clients to get in touch with the inner, innocent child which helps them reconnect with those they might have harmed. Empathy should come into play here. Like so much in life, thinking about the feelings of others hinges on emotional regulation. A person who can control his/her own emotions (especially negative ones like anger and anxiety) without denying them will be able to tolerate others’ upsets, not prompted to run from them – and able to help. Veronica spoke about healing from shame. In her Part 2, December 12th, we will have an expanded conversation about sexual healing.

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There’s a reason fairy tales always end in marriage. It’s because nobody wants to see what comes after. It may be too grim. Brad Coates knows all about marriage and divorce – as a divorce lawyer who authored “Divorce with Decency” now in its 5th Edition. www.CoatesandFrey.com. Brad is a frequent guest, and this time he and Dr. Diana discussed “What Women Want…Female Needs, Desires and Behavior in Romantic Relationships.” Stats partly tell the story: 2/3rds of women file for divorce; 60% of men, but only 35% of women say sexual activity is important to their lives; 77% of women surveyed said they valued independence and privacy over remarriage. Since marriage is no longer imposed by economic necessity, many marriages are not held together by need, so much as by love. But in the “old” days male courtship skills were important. Now newly empowered women want and expect understanding and basic kindness from their mate, as well as good sex. There are the so-called “Viagra Divorces”; i.e., once erect, men tend to skimp on foreplay. They may want to use their erections now that they can have them again – not always considering their mate. There’s more…Tune in!

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Barbi Benton, Dr. Diana’s good friend of 20 years, discussed Hugh Hefner (aka Hef) and his legacy. Barbi was his good friend for nearly 50 years! Hef was a sexual and social pioneer who took sexuality out of the shadows and presented it as part of the Good Life. Barbi shared their good life as a couple (1968-1976), and then how they had remained friends until his death September 27th. Barbi recalled trips with Hef on the customized “Big Bunny” plane with a round bed and a shower so that, upon landing, they could emerge refreshed. They traveled to Africa, Paris, and Spain – among other places. Barbi described her man as a romantic: “He always had his hands on somebody…but, when it was me (often), I was so proud to be with him. I felt I ‘belonged.’” He also loved kissing! Diana and Barbi were at the Mansion in 2006 for “Fight Night.” It was there that Dr. Diana got to briefly talk to Hef about Dr. Helen Fisher’s work. When he started Playboy in 1953, America was a sexually sick country…the words “sex” and “pregnant” were not allowed on TV. Oral sex, contraception, and factual sex education were illegal. Barbi will always love Hef and admire how he did it his way – which, when it comes to sexuality, is exactly what he would encourage the rest of us to do!

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Masturbation and Sex Toys! Do I have your attention? Dr. Carol Queen (www.CarolQueen.com or www.GoodVibes.com) returned for this informative Part 2. Her “The Sex & Pleasure Book – Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone” is a comprehensive book which advises, enlightens, amuses, encourages – so that sex and intimacy can be so much more fulfilling. Masturbation. How can one simple word be so complex? For many, relationships are the main goal in life; therefore, nurturing a sense of self-love gets lost in the mix. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana explored how healthy masturbation is, and how the exploration of one’s self can lead to better partner sex and orgasms! Joani Blank founded Good Vibrations 40 years ago in San Francisco, and Carol Queen developed the educational training for female-friendly, in-house retail sales. We discussed the history of masturbation and vibrators, and the most popular sex toys for women and men. For a lot of women vibrators are an essential part of their sex life because, yes, it may provide a guaranteed orgasm!    

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Dr. Carol Queen (www.CarolQueen.com or www.GoodVibes.com)  observes in her “The Sex & Pleasure Book – Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone” : “Most of us weren’t given an operating manual for our wonderful bodies and the myriad sensations we can experience with them…especially not in sex education…Can you imagine if Driver’s Ed consisted of a teacher saying, ‘Now here’s a car: Now don’t drive it!’” Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol had a lively discussion around being sex-positive, sexual orientation issues, and transgender identities. Why has the term sex positivity come to be misunderstood in so many circles? What about sexual orientation and its fluidity? In her book is great advice/resources for transgender folks and the parents of trans kids. Sex can be a way of working through fears and crises, as well as a place for growth, forgiveness, fun, and friendship!   

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Joan Price (www.JoanPrice.com) is on a mission to dispel the myth that older people are not interested in sex! In her books, talks, and webinars she suggests how folks can reclaim their sexuality. Joan has written “The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50,” “Better Than I Expected – Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty,” “Naked at Our Age,” and “Ageless Erotica.” Two days ago Dr. Diana heard Joan speak at Catalystcon in L.A. where she was especially impressed with these topics: Expanding What Sex Is; Explore and Celebrate Sexual Pleasure; Enjoy Orgasms – with or without a partner; and Responsive Desire. The conversation was enlightening! You can listen to the podcast and you can sign up for one of Joan’s webinars. If you email her at joan@joanprice.com and put “Diana Wiley” in the subject line, you will receive links to her  webinar topics, receiving a special offer for a 90-minute webinar of your choice for $35.00 (instead of the usual price of $49.00). There are five to choose from: 7 Steps to Reclaiming your Sexual Pleasure; Sex Toys for Seniors; Great Sex without Penetration; 12 Steps to Sexy Aging – Starting Now; How the Heck Do I Date at This Age? Joan Price provides a wealth of information regarding sexuality at any age!

 

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Great sex is not about technique. It’s about integrating your head, heart and spirit with your genitals. Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce (www.drnsp.com) returned to the program to help sort this out. Next month, September 16th, she will be a speaker at Catalystcon (www.catalystcon.com). Her topic: “Sexy Doesn’t Have An Expiration Date.” Dr. Diana interviewed Dr. Nancy, covering the following topics: How do we define sexy and why is it even important? What happens to us when we don’t feel sexy? (Depression, health issues). She does some Myth Busting – namely, SEXY IS A LOOK OR SIZE; YOU CAN’T BE SEXY OVER 50; YOU CAN’T BE SEXY AND A GRANDMOTHER; IT’S NATURAL TO LOSE INTEREST IN BEING SEXY AS YOU AGE. Good sex is not about how your body looks or how you position it. It’s about your frame of mind and the emotional connection with your partner. Many older women are able to say what they want, no longer apologizing for their eroticism. The enjoyment of sex is then likely to be increased! Dr. Nancy also asks, “What advice would you give to your much younger self?” Perhaps it is that instead of getting someone to love you, you want to be someone capable of loving! Or maybe it is important to maintain your sense of separateness – not always doing everything together, and understanding that the central agent of eroticism is the imagination. You must be willing to take risks, to play! As we age, many of us hope for this: with any luck, a modicum of health, and a willingness to remain open to its potential, the deliciousness of sensual intimacy can continue right to the end.

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Brad Coates (www.CoatesandFrey.com) knows all about marriages and divorce because he’s been a divorce lawyer in Honolulu, Hawaii for forty years. His popular book “DIVORCE with DECENCY” is now in its 5th Edition. Dr. Diana and Brad, longtime friends, discussed how the internet, social media, and porn have all contributed to the unraveling of marriages. Complaints about porn use constitute the number-one problem walking in the door of many couple and sex therapists today – a direct measure of the power that privacy afforded by handheld devices has to disrupt intimate relationships. Couples almost never discuss their sexual desires; some studies show that couples who view pornography together as partners find it easier to discuss their sexual desires and fantasies. As always, communication is key. Brad brought up teledildonics, a way to recreate the feelings of real (virtual) sex. Will this virtual reality sex replace real life sex? It may be on the horizon for some. Back to reality: in order to avoid divorce, never stop courting. Do not take your mate for granted, never get lazy in love!

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Dr. Dudley Danoff, MD, FACS, a world renowned urologist, returned to the program. His newest book edition just came out today: “Male Sexual Health – How to Stay Vital at Any Age” – www.theultimateguidetomenshealth.com. There are many praises for Dr. Danoff’s book – including this from Larry King:  “Gives insightful, accurate, humorous, and knowledgeable answers to all the questions you were afraid to ask. I loved it, learned a lot, and highly recommend it.” Dr. Danoff and Dr. Diana discussed his 5 ways to reinvigorate your love life: 1. keep boredom out of the bedroom; 2.give yourself permission to try something new; 3.pay attention  to your body’s rhythms; 4.don’t confine sex to the nighttime; 5. look into alternate sex practices. The key to an exciting sex life is novelty – we all crave new and different experiences. A skilled lover plugs into a woman’s breath and pelvic thrusts to follow her lead. Seduce a woman’s mind…women are like crockpots – they take time to warm up. If a man seduces her mind, she’ll want the man to seduce her body later on. Great sex is an emotional connection – with good skills backed by informed knowledge. Tune in and buy his book. You won’t regret it!

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Hedonism…Yes! Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce (www.drnsp.com) is a sex and relationship author, and international speaker, and a sensuality educator. She knows good sex is intentional, not spontaneous. It’s a practice you can have fun with and get better at, like yoga or meditation. Dr. Nancy is an event coordinator for the Hedonism Resort (www.hedonism.com) – a 36-year-old resort that has the largest repeat visitors in the world. Every week has a different “personality”: for swingers, for couples doing an intimacy retreat, for singles to learn about rejection, etc. The website will reveal more; however, keep in mind the images there are of models…the actual age range is 45-55 years. And some are older. The prevailing themes are authenticity, non-judgmental feelings and acceptance. Often these folks have discovered how refreshing and liberating it is to put aside notions of “normal” sexual behavior, forging their own. Dr. Nancy will return to this program August 29th. We’ll discuss the cruises, Lifestyles take overs, where she teaches. Dr. Diana and Dr. Nancy will also talk about her presentation coming up at CatalystCon in LA September 16th on “Sexy Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date.” Tune in!

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