Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of “LOVE WORTH MAKING – HOW TO HAVE RIDICULOUSLY GREAT SEX IN A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP,” joined the program for Part 2. This time he and Dr. Diana discussed his Chapter 10 “Why Women Lose Interest in Sex” and Chapter 11 “Why Men Go Missing in Bed.” For a woman a serious sex-knot is feeling that something is wrong with her and so she has sex out of obligation. Dr. Snyder observes that people need acceptance more than they  need sex. His definition of intimacy is expressed by you and me in a sentence with a feeling. Female sexuality is often contextual, and she wants her partner to ignite her desire. She doesn’t want to be forced, but she wants him to help take her outside herself. Practicing being in the moment – mindfulness – often improves female desire. As for men, they need to feel welcomed, and they are sensitive to criticism. He feels criticized, so he withdraws. Now she is even more angry, and he withdraws further. Rather than confront relationship conflict head-on, many men hold their feelings inside. For some, excessive porn use accompanied by masturbation can lead to difficulty becoming aroused “in real life.” Healthy, loving relationships are built on mutual caretaking. Helping one’s partner feel wanted and attractive is an essential part of feeling connected emotionally. Dr Snyder’s website is www.LoveWorthMaking.com.  

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Affairs often reflect unmet expectations, lack of excitement, boring sex lives, emotional detachment and feeling more like a parent than a sexual being. Brad Coates helped sort out these issues and more. In the 4th Edition of his book “Divorce with Decency,” he addresses affairs and infidelity. Is infidelity inevitable? Are men “hardwired” to cheat? Brad Coates has headed the largest divorce firm in Hawaii for nearly forty years, and Dr. Diana has seen couples for thirty-five years. Both have observations regarding affairs. Monogamy may not be the gold standard of relationships. Many therapist believe that healthy sexual desire is driven by love – despite the extremely common experience that in long-term relationships, as love depends, desire declines. Both Brad and Dr. Diana have opinions about how to cope with affairs – and how to rebuild in the aftermath. Every affair will redefine a marriage, and every marriage will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. Please listen for more informing details!

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LOVE WORTH MAKING – HOW TO HAVE RIDICULOUSLY GREAT SEX IN A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP” is a book written by Stephen Snyder, M.D. – and my guest. His is a book written in an easy, conversational tone that could serve as a manual for couples and for therapists who are not sex experts. Dr. Snyder points out that emotional skills and physical awareness are typically more central to good sex than sexual technique. More self-acceptance and less self-criticism often enhance the libido. Dr. Diana and Dr. Snyder enjoyed a lively discussion about these matters and more. Part 2 will be broadcast on May 1st. He will give his book to the first caller. Get ready to call-in! Dr. Synder’s website is www.LoveWorthMaking.com  

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Dr. Nick Karras, author of “The Passionate High – A guide to using cannabis for better sex & creativity” spoke with Dr. Diana and her husband Bryan Brewer. The three of us had such an engaging conversation at a sexuality conference, I thought we’d do it again on-the-air!  In my practice I meet couples who complain about how the routine of their lives has left them feeling numb. Dr. Nick may have the solution: slowing down and appreciating each other – activities enhanced perhaps by cannabis. Dr. Nick observes, “I try to have my clients become more sensual first. When you are more sensual, intimacy happens and so does creativity.” His book which can be found onwww.PassionateHigh.com covers Connection & Creativity, and Setting the Scene. Sensual, empathic sex can extend your pleasure! Yes, it’s true: lighting, foods, sounds and smells may all become receptive to heightened sensation. Sensuality is characterized by full absorption in the moment-to-moment experience of the senses. Please tune-in for some illuminating information!

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Sheri Winston (www.IntimateArtsCenter.com) , author of Succulent Sex Craft and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal, returned to the program. On March 6th we called the show #goodsextoo; this time we focused on boundaries and communication. Women may get into situations where they are having second sexual thoughts and even bad sex. What to do? Boundaries: we need to be clear about what we want to do and don’t want to do. This is a conversation that may not occur when one is drunk; therefore, make decisions when the brain is working well. Two listeners called in – and the first will receive Sheri’s book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal.” Both callers had fascinating observations and questions! Sheri knows so much…next time we’ll talk about how to create and then play inside a “conjoined erotic trance” – a state where intuitive magic happens!

 

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Dr. Linda De Villers (www.DrLindaDeVillers.com) is the author of “Love Sills – A Fun, Upbeat Guide to Sex-cessful Relationships” – a wonderful book providing step-by-step programs for sexual fun, adventure and growth! Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana have been friends and colleagues since 1991. They both share this in common: Linda’s mother died at 100 in April and Diana’s died at 95 in August of 2017. Both docs were blessed with secure attachment in their families of origin! This is a positive because our attachment experience influences whether we see ourselves as lovable. If a secure person is with an anxious one, be receptive to his or her desire for security and allay fears when second-guessing or smothering seems to be going on. If with an avoidant who is clamming up, talk about how you can give him the space he may not even realize he wants…get him talking openly! Dr. Linda, who has done research on touch, speaks about getting in touch with touch. We spoke about touch in a baby’s life, how different cultures embrace touch or don’t, the distinction between sensuality and sexuality, and the limitations and benefits of caressing exercises. Body image issues plague many women who believe that they have to have a beautiful body to be alluring and enjoy pleasure. Sometimes it may be a way to avoid being sexual; indeed, a “self-image neurosis.” In order to love another, it’s important to respect his choice of you as a worthy lover. With this kind of self-respect, it’s easier to forget precise physical boundaries in the warm, sensual, sexual world that two people make together!     

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We’re calling this show #goodsextoo. In light of the current #metoo conversations, there appear to be women who are unhappy because they had bad sex…not coercive, violent or otherwise non-consensual sex, just sex that wasn’t very good. Sheri Winston and Dr. Diana spoke about how the latter can be prevented. Sheri is a celebrated sexuality teacher, an award-winning author and a medical professional (www.IntimateArtsCenter.com). Her books areSucculent Sex Craft and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal – both great maps to “buried pleasure”! We discussed communication, mindfulness, and the challenges for men to understand women’s bodies and their arousal patterns. Sheri will return March 27th. During that live program, we will take questions. Please listen to this show, and call-in for the next one!

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David Steinberg (www.DavidSteinberg.us), always a fascinating guest, spoke of his new screenplay project about Marco Vassi – a sexual adventurer and visionary. But first, Dr. Diana and David discussed his fine art erotic photographs. He has been involved with the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival for fourteen years, arriving at the “Masters” level. This year in June he has five photos in the show. David’s photography is entirely different from porn; while explicit, he is interested in the emotional connection between the couple. Back to David’s screenplay: Marco Vassi was intimately involved in NYC’s sex scene in the 70s and 80s, and the Hellfire Club played a role. Please tune-in for an amazing program...An “erotic masterpiece” is in the works!   

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Cannabis and sex! Better orgasms! Matisse and Chelsea developed a cannabis enhanced sensual lubricant called Velvet Swing which provides more fun for everyone (www.velvetswing.com). Discussions went from the pragmatic (Willie Nelson re being caught with a bag of marijuana: “It’s a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. I’d be dead by now.”) to the sublime (Natalie Angier, author of “Woman, An Intimate Geography,” said, “Marijuana can be a sexual mentor and sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness.”) Chelsea and Matisse talked about the science of weed, the consent culture, the help that can be brought to sexual dysfunctions, slowing down, foreplay – and more! This is a program that will inform, and perhaps make a difference in your sex life.

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Would you like a few secrets for becoming a vibrant Valentine? Brad Coates (www.CoatesandFrey.com – author of “Divorce with Decency”) and Dr. Diana’s fiancé, soon-to-be husband Bryan Brewer (www.Funding-Quest.com) joined forces to answer that question. Dr. Diana first described what she’s heard women friends and clients want when it comes to love. LOOKS were not mentioned much. Women tend to be much more forgiving of physical flaws – having spent a lifetime perhaps examining their own. BRAINS. Yes, women love a smart man (or at least a man who loves learning new things), and a man with a sense of humor. WEALTH. Most of the sample seemed not to be gold diggers, saying they can make their own way. Really what women want is someone who has found something he loves and does it well. KINDNESS topped the list! Women want a man who will treat her kindly – and for that, the best women will give and forgive much. Pay attention to the attention she pays; be patient, one-third more often than you feel patient; don’t try to fix it, try to understand it; tell her she makes you feel lucky – and you will win her heart! Brad points out that many men in midlife move from competing to connecting. The happiest men are more expressive and sensuous – they have cultivated their feminine side. We all spoke about how sensual sex can extend pleasure. Dr. Diana and Bryan discussed what is personally romantic. Romancing the senses by engaging all of them – sight, touch, sound, scent, and taste. Light scented candles, play music, feed each other sensual foods, watch erotic films, wear sexy lingerie (“Brevity is the soul of lingerie” – Dorothy Parker). Smell is especially important: nuzzle and sniff each other; as is touch: massage each other, taking your time. Dr. Diana’s observation re Bryan: When I say “I love you,” the words are not spoken out of habit. It is my way of saying thank you for being you and returning some of the joy you have given me. If you have a Valentine, make the most of it!  

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